If you have to fly somewhere, you’re going to come across some real characters in the airport. You’ll want to throatpunch most of these folks, but I highly recommend not doing so because the TSA kinda frowns on that.
Self-Important in the Line Guy – he makes everyone uncomfortable by making multiple, yelling calls while in line
Triple Ultra Platinum Rewards Lady – she’s standing on the sapphire mat a full hour before anyone else is at the gate… and she’s wearing her “good diamonds” for the trip
Super Coffee Flannel Guy – this ain’t his first flight, and he wants you to know it. He can’t travel without the weird, exotic roast that he discovered while on a flight to Whogivesafuckville. Also, he hasn’t showered in a while
Too Cool For Announcements Guy – he probably showers with those fucking oversized headphones on
Mega Snack Lady – she quickly scarfs down a burger she got in the airport, then starts sorting through the carry-on that apparently serves the sole purpose of maintaining her fatness
Travel Namedropper Bitch – this insufferable human will talk nonstop about her travel destinations (“…and at the end of an excursion, my preference is to end in a place like Malta”); pronounces only random, individual words in a British accent; and says things like, “Oh!! Haha! Typical Germans, you know?” (She literally just said that. Ugh.) And she has a cat (but I’m pretty sure she actually has seven). And she’s drinking a hot coffee beverage through a straw
Overdressed for the Flight Lady – not to be confused with Ultra Triple Platinum Rewards Lady above, this bitch thinks that flying is an EXPERIENCE, and she wore fur because she read an article about meeting people while traveling
Most Likely to Yell Something Racist While on the Plane Guy – well, he’s white, he’s clean-shaven, he’s wearing a hat, and he may or may not have a tattoo on his calf. If more than one guy fits this description, it’ll be the guy with the hillbilly-est accent
Coughing Up a Lung Like She’s Going to Die Lady – she hasn’t had a cigarette in seven minutes, and it’s KILLING her. As if her gravelly voice, wrinkled and overtanned skin, and yellowed hair weren’t enough, this bitch had a few drinks back in Newark, and EVERYTHING is funny (cackle… hack… hack hack… cackle cackle… hack cackle)
Drunk-Ass Mofo Bro Guy – he’s wearing a t-shirt and a hat (worn backwards) emblazoned with the logo of his favorite sports team. He drank a lot and may actually be the Most Likely to Yell Something Racist While on the Plane Guy
Anyway, welcome aboard and enjoy your flight!