If you have to be a fan of something, at least have a reason. Any reason.

You can be a fan of Taylor Swift because you enjoy her music. You can say you appreciate that she writes her own songs. You can simply be a fan of toothpick-shaped, bobbleheaded blonde singers who overuse red lipstick, and that’s okay! That’s a reason!

By the same token, if you’re a fan of a university or a sports team or a sports team at a university, I expect you to have a reason.

So you’re a Notre Dame fan, huh? Yeah! Go Irish! Did you go there? No. Did, like, a good friend or relative of yours go there? Nope. Have you ever been to a football game there? No. Have you ever been to any sporting event there? Um…no. Are you even Catholic? No…at least I don’t think so. What are the symptoms of being Catholic? Would I have, like, a rash or something? Did you grow up, like, right across the street* from the campus? No. …Soooo why are you a fan, then? Derp de derp! Go Irish! Do you want people to think you went to school there, or are you really just a big fan of sparkly helmets, shamrocks, leprechauns, and rapists? Wait… So you’re a fan because you think it makes you look cool or something? Um… Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Growing up, my dad told me that we (the family) are Republicans. …Why, Dad? [Are you sitting down for this? You should really be sitting down for this.] We are Republicans so people won’t think we’re poor. What?!

Don’t be a sign-toting, t-shirt-wearing, fight song-singing, chant-shouting fan of something if you can’t back it up.

*The townie exception applies only if a person grew up less than a mile from campus. If your backyard is practically attached to the football field, you’re allowed to be a fan by proximity.


Sorry, Fuglies

If you have to do anything remotely out of the box, don’t bother doing it if you’re not easy on the eyes.

Isn’t it amazing the way attractive people get a pass? …Like, for everything? We (*ahem* …I mean they) can wear sweatpants to the grocery store, kiss our significant others in public, excuse ourselves in the middle of conferences, and a million other things that would be unacceptable and/or disgusting if done by someone who wasn’t as blessed in the looks department. Think I’m wrong? I’m not wrong. And even if I was wrong, I’d just smile, and everyone would agree with me. (That’s what #blessed means. Look it up.)

Example:  hot chick rubs her nose. Reaction:  ‘poor thing… that girl must be sick.’

However:  large, unattractive woman rubs her nose. Reaction:  ‘omg… eww! make it stop! I can’t believe I had to see that! get that nasty excuse of a person away from me before I catch her cold or–worse–her ugly!’

Cringe all you want to, but you know I’m right.

Fuglies:  watch your manners, wear clothes that fit and cover your body, and try to keep your aspirations reasonable. Pretty people:  step out, be bold, challenge conformity, and you can do anything you want to do!