Tag Archives: sports

We Like Sportz

If you have to refer to yourself as an athlete, you’d better make for damn sure that your sport of choice is actually a sport. (Sorry, skee ball “champions.”)

What is a sport? According to the dictionary in my head, a sport is any type of competitive physical activity that requires some amount of skill and/or expertise. Need examples? Of course you do:

  • Football = sport
  • Basketball = sport
  • Tennis = sport (even though it is often played while wearing a skirt)
  • Golf = not a sport (because driving a golf cart and drinking are not sports)
  • Baseball = sport (even though there are only 32.7 combined seconds of actual action in the entirety of a baseball game, it takes some skill to hit and/or throw a ball)
  • Competitive eating = sport (it takes training and is very physically demanding)
  • Spelling bees = not a sport (that’s mental activity, not physical, and it should not be on ESPN)
  • Running = not a sport (because unless you’re actually running against other people, you’re just some dude who likes sweating and wearing spandex)
  • Race car driving = not a sport (because being a little dude in a hot car and turning left all the time doesn’t qualify)
  • Cheerleading = sport (but I’m only talking about what they do during the games, ifyouknowwhatimean)
  • Darts = not a sport (because no one in the history of the world has ever done it sober)
  • Soccer = sport (even though it mostly just involves kicking other people in the shins)
  • Poker = not a sport (and if you think it is, I will throatpunch you)
  • Pool = sport (arguably more mental than physical, but I’ve had to contort myself into some odd yoga-like poses to get the balls where they need to go, so it totally counts)
  • Video games = not a sport (the only physical activity is moving the Doritos from bag to face)
  • Bowling = sometimes a sport (let’s be honest; it depends on who’s doing it)

So go out there and be an athlete, instead of just an athletic supporter.

Fan-derp-monium

If you have to be a fan of something, at least have a reason. Any reason.

You can be a fan of Taylor Swift because you enjoy her music. You can say you appreciate that she writes her own songs. You can simply be a fan of toothpick-shaped, bobbleheaded blonde singers who overuse red lipstick, and that’s okay! That’s a reason!

By the same token, if you’re a fan of a university or a sports team or a sports team at a university, I expect you to have a reason.

So you’re a Notre Dame fan, huh? Yeah! Go Irish! Did you go there? No. Did, like, a good friend or relative of yours go there? Nope. Have you ever been to a football game there? No. Have you ever been to any sporting event there? Um…no. Are you even Catholic? No…at least I don’t think so. What are the symptoms of being Catholic? Would I have, like, a rash or something? Did you grow up, like, right across the street* from the campus? No. …Soooo why are you a fan, then? Derp de derp! Go Irish! Do you want people to think you went to school there, or are you really just a big fan of sparkly helmets, shamrocks, leprechauns, and rapists? Wait… So you’re a fan because you think it makes you look cool or something? Um… Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Growing up, my dad told me that we (the family) are Republicans. …Why, Dad? [Are you sitting down for this? You should really be sitting down for this.] We are Republicans so people won’t think we’re poor. What?!

Don’t be a sign-toting, t-shirt-wearing, fight song-singing, chant-shouting fan of something if you can’t back it up.

*The townie exception applies only if a person grew up less than a mile from campus. If your backyard is practically attached to the football field, you’re allowed to be a fan by proximity.