On Roundabouts and Revolving Doors

If you have to pause to think before using a roundabout or a revolving door, you might want to consider sparing the rest of us by simply taking another way. Also, if you feel the need to be that guy who goes too quickly or too slowly through either of the above, please either step aside or drive off the nearest cliff.

Oh! And don’t be the person who runs up the escalator and then is all sweaty and panting on the back of my neck. You clearly don’t understand the 4 steps of separation rule.*

Don’t be the idiot who tries to do some sort of social experiment by standing too close to other people in elevators.** You don’t have your own prank show on TV. You’re not funny, TRAVIS. No one even likes you.

Also, I’m currently super-hating on the lady in the elevator who expects me to push the button for her floor (*raises eyebrows* “9, please.”). She always gives me a weird look when I say, “Ha! Yeah right,” and back away from the buttons. Nothing against elevator operators, but um… yeah, I def don’t look like an elevator operator.

In closing, either participate in society and live by its norms or just get out.

This means you, Travis. And take elevator lady with you.

*Does not apply in airports
**The person who does this invariably smells awful. (Yes, you, Travis.)

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Jall-AH-pin-oh Pepparz

If you have to use foreign words (or “borrowed” words into your own language), please don’t mispronounce them. You think you sound smooth and cultured, but you sound like an idiot (or a wannabe douche, and that’s probably worse).

Example: “I’m a huge wine afishonaydo.”

Really? A fish tornado? Do yourself a favor and just say “fan.” Also, drinking wine from a box and/or only drinking Riesling with ice cubes in it doesn’t make you an expert, a connoisseur, or even someone who can has a wine preference. (If I hear you talking about the “nose” of a particular “varietal” of Smirnoff Ice–you moron–I will have to smack you around just a little bit.)

And while I’m on the topic of stupid fans and fans of stupid… Loving Ryan Gosling movies OMG lmao wtf ❤ rotfl totally does not mean you're a fan of the arts. It means you like a mediocre actor with an unwarrantedly huge following of teen girls.

Watch it with designer names, too, slick. Don't try to pronounce Givenchy. Anything you might guess is incorrect. Also, do us all a favor and please stop saying Ralph Lor-EN. It’s LORE-in, like a girl’s first name. (Watch Friends… Rachel knows.)