What Women Want

If you have to be in a relationship with a woman, gents, know that she will never be 100% pleased with you and there’s no magic formula to making her happy.

Women are fickle, mercurial, and will tergiversate without a moment’s notice. They’re whiny, emotional, and petty–and they are easily annoyed by you, other women, the world, that blade of grass over there, and perceived injustice.

If you want a woman, and I mean really want a woman, you’ve got to be willing to fight… for her, for yourself, and for your relationship. Women need champions.

However, because all women are snowflakes, there’s no one way to keep any or all of them happy. Naturally, however, I’ve got a list of some general guidelines for you that will help keep you in your woman’s good graces:

  1. Remember that whole chivalry thing? Don’t let it die, whether it’s you’re first date or you’ve been together since before AOL. Open doors for her, offer your hand or your arm when you cross the street together, carry her heavy-ass suitcase for her, and let her order her dinner–or her supper (that’s a whole other blog post)–first.
  2. Be [semi-]predictable. It throws women when you do something out of character. Do that very often, and she’ll become very wary of you. Wary women get jealous. Jealous women get suspicious. Suspicious women get paranoid. And paranoid women murder you in your sleep. You probably don’t want that.
  3. Have a skill. A hobby. Be good at something. It doesn’t matter if it’s playing basketball, creating beautiful spreadsheets, or making the perfect cheese dip–just do something exceptionally well. She’ll respect you for it.
  4. Don’t look at other women when they walk by. As sly as you think you’re being when you leer at other women, we always see it. And we hate it. And we hate you a little bit for doing it. So fucking stop it. Don’t say it’s instinctual. Nut up and fight your natural urges, caveman boy.
  5. Tell her you love her. She needs to hear it. Yes, you just told her yesterday, but she needs to hear it again. And again. But just telling her isn’t enough…
  6. SHOW her you love her. You have to be a little bit thoughtful. Chivalry shows her. Making a pot of coffee and pouring her some when she walks in the room shows her. Tucking her hair behind her ear so that you can see both of her eyes while she’s talking will floor her and score you like a bajillion points.
  7. Tell her things. I don’t mean that she needs to know how much you paid for gas this morning or anything about gas in general. Give her a 30 second recap of your day. Tell her what you had for lunch. An informed woman is a trusting woman, and you don’t want her to get wary. See #2. Don’t wake up dead.
  8. Be respectful. Hang up your towel instead of throwing it on the floor, put your dishes in the sink, keep the temperature a little warmer in the car so she doesn’t freeze after having gone through the trouble of wearing something revealing for you, and slow your pace a tiny bit when you’re walking together. And when it’s her time of the month, just do your best to not be an asshole.
  9. Though it flies in the face of what I believe in regular social interaction (and of course it’s not actually true, but you are allowed to lie here), tell her she’s beautiful. Listen up. This is important. Your woman lives in a world where she’s expected to look perfect all the time. She’s constantly comparing herself to other women, always trying to fall on the correct side of the attractive/getting-the-wrong-kind-of-attention line, and she keeps getting those creepy, leering looks from men (see #4) who haven’t read this list. Tell her she’s beautiful. She needs to hear it.
  10. This one’s a little out there, but it’s ridiculously effective. Pay attention when she’s talking. I don’t mean you have to listen to everything (because women talk all the damn time), but make an effort to remember just one thing she said. Bring it up later in conversation. (“Oh yeah, I meant to ask earlier… When you and your dad picked lilacs in Illinois, was it in a garden or out in the wild?“) Boom. The conversation turns from mind-numbing drivel into how sweet you are for asking a thoughtful question. Win-win.
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Winning the +1 Game

If you have to be the +1 at a work event for your partner, follow the damn rules. They are enumerated below for your convenience.

  1. Be charming. (Google that and use the second definition:  polite, friendly, and likable.) Convincingly feign interest in the boring shit you’ll be listening to all day. Alcohol helps with this.
  2. Don’t drink too much as you’re trying to accomplish list item #1.
  3. Just as important as #1:  step down and let the person you’re accompanying be the one who shines. Be the stunning arm candy who contributes only a tiny amount to conversation. Defer to your mate. This doesn’t make you look weak; it makes you look like an excellent complement, and it makes your partner as well as your bond with him/her appear strong (though we all know you’re the one who wears the pants).
  4. Everyone understands checking your phone occasionally, but don’t be that wad who just sits there and plays Candy Crush and/or whatever the fuck it is that you Facebook people do all day on your phones.
  5. Overdress. Seriously. You’re there to make your significant other look good. You should look appropriate together, but it should be your goal to make sure that office gossips Kayla and Ann have something to talk about at the office on Monday. (And they will, because you’re damn sexy.)
  6. When your significant other tells you at the last minute that you don’t have to go and that he’ll just go by himself, don’t worry. He probably didn’t just find out that his girlfriend will be there.
  7. Don’t be offended when your mate doesn’t introduce you to anyone. He’s probably embarrassed by you and/or he doesn’t want you to meet his girlfriend (see #6).
  8. When someone at the event does something abhorrent like sitting on the table right next to you, with their ass only inches away from your arm and clearly in your personal space, do nothing. Pretend that it’s not the most disgusting thing that’s happened to you all day. Smile and nod.
  9. Remember that any sense of humor you might have won’t be appreciated here. Making jokes will just make everyone uncomfortable. You’ll find it best to continue to smile and nod, just like when that ass was on your arm.

What Men Want

If you have to try to impress men, please realize that whatever you’re thinking impresses them probably, well, ain’t it. If you think that flawlessly applying eyeliner is going to make a guy magically look past your grating personality, your mind-numbing stupidity, and your almost unbelievable level of insecurity, guess again.

Guys don’t give a fuck if you spent $3 or $300 on a tube of lipstick. They don’t care if Stefon or Sergio cut your hair (though a guy with an ounce of class won’t be a fan of Jimmy at Super Cuts hacking at your mane). They’re ambivalent about brands. I promise that unless you’re into the most metro (and actually totes gay on Tuesday and Thursday nights) dude, he doesn’t care if you shop at Gap or Saks, just as long as you look good.

That being said, I’m not intimating that men are easy to please.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA… That’s a lie. Men are very easy to please. Just follow these simple rules:

  1. Don’t be a bitch.
  2. Wear just enough makeup that it enhances the way you look. If you’re wearing so much that you look like a different person entirely, remember that your guy will probably see you without makeup at some point. It’ll freak him out if his precious little Amanda is actually a Bertha, ifyouknowwhatImean.
  3. Be active. Don’t just sit on the couch all day and only get up to get the tub of chocolate ice cream. That’s disgusting. And by “that,” I mean both you and your damn ice cream.
  4. Don’t be a bitch.
  5. Stop whining, stop nagging, and stop being an unpredictable Play-Doh emotion factory.
  6. Smile. Make jokes. Don’t be so serious all the time.
  7. Check your sex drive. Okay, listen up. This is a big one and a solid truth. I can guarantee you 100% that your relationship will not work if you and your dude don’t have similar appetites for sex. That’s just biological fact. Think long and hard about how it’ll work if one of you is ready to go 24/7 and the other one is pretty meh about getting down and dirty. This is a fundamental, solid incompatibility for a lot of people. You can ignore it for a while, but it’ll come out and raise its ugly head sooner or later. And then you’re screwed (or not, ever).
  8. Don’t hate sports. I promise that you can suck it up and at least pretend for a couple of hours that you care whether or not his team wins. (Hint:  make excited sounds at the same time as the people wearing his team colors.)
  9. Know that men are men. They’re going to drink beer. They’re going to leave dirty socks on the floor. They’re going to smell bad sometimes. If you can’t handle that, consider dating girls instead.
  10. Don’t be a bitch.

You Are (probably not) Beautiful

If you have to tell someone (in an obligatory fashion or as a compliment) that they’re an adjective, don’t make it one that’s some sort of superlative.

Saying that everyone is beautiful is the participation trophy of the spoken word. You’re robbing the term of its definition, rendering it meaningless.

Sandy isn’t beautiful, Jonah isn’t the best, Theresa isn’t incredible, and Tim is, in no way, amazeballs.

It might sound insincere and a bit robotic to say that Jeff is a carbon-based life form with exemplary skill in alphabetizing soup cans in his kitchen pantry. Awkward? Sure, but it’s a hell of a lot more accurate than saying that Jeff is phenomenally brilliant. (Jeff fucking drooled on the couch pillow last night after passing out there, having consumed a bit too much Bud Light.) He ain’t special or gifted, but he can sure as hell put the cream of mushroom soup to the left of the tomato.

Recreational Cataclysms

If you have to go to an event–any event–a party, a wedding, a conference, a whatever, know that whether or not you will have a good time is predicated solely on whether or not I (or someone like me) attend. Think that sounds conceited? It’s not. Read on…

You know you’d rather bail and just stay home than be around all of those people, but you RSVP-ed, so there’s no getting out of it.

So you go. It starts out the way all of these things always start–the great segregation, if you will:  moms with babies in one area, the rest of the moms (who really only showed up in order to bitch about their husbands and/or the other women in attendance), family dads, dads who are planning to get shitfaced, and (if you’re lucky) the fun group.

The fun group sometimes takes a little bit to come together (and occasionally it consists of only one person), so keep an eye out. Don’t worry, though; you’ll know it when you see it. These are the people who start playing beer pong, or strike up a game of kickball, or jump off the diving board, or head out to the dance floor when no one else is there. It’s the guy who picks the first karaoke song or grabs a basketball or starts a tic-tac-toe game with you in the middle of a boring meeting. It’s the girl who asks the server where the fun spots are or gets all the kids together for a game of red rover or eats the peanut butter cup in a weird way just to see if there is, in fact, a wrong way to eat a Reese’s.

There aren’t many of us “fun people,” but everyone wants to join in once we get started. We’re recreational catalysts. We cause fun to happen (and admittedly, sometimes we have to force it). This begs the question, then:  why are grownups so afraid to have fun, and/or why will people generally not initiate something fun?

Maybe they’re afraid that they’ll look silly. Maybe they’re afraid that no one will join them. Well, guess what? I’ll have fun and I won’t care if I look silly. I guess that’s just job security for all of us in the fun group. 😉

Soy Awesome

If you have to talk about soy, you can’t just say “soy.”

Soybeans, soy sauce, soy milk, soy nuts… All of these things need qualifiers. Why? Soy is a little bitch who isn’t taken seriously. “Soy” means “I am” in Spanish. Soy stuff just whines “but I AM beans” and “I AM milk,” even though we know that shit ain’t legit.

Soy mimics estrogen in the body, so it’s like taking a big ol’ dose of female hormones. Extensive research that I’m pretending actually happened supports the idea that consuming soy will make you a whiny little bitch, too.

Eat real food. Meat is meat, but soy burgers are sitting around trying to Stuart Smalley themselves so you’ll be fooled into thinking they’re actual food.