I’m Not Racist, But…

If you have to make a racist comment because you’re racist, please preface your racist statement with “I’m racist, so…” The whole “I’m not racist, but” thing has been used so much, I just assume people mean it in front of EVERY SINGLE THING they say.

Examples:

I’m not racist, but… “Is it Wednesday?”

I’m not racist, but… “Can I borrow your scissors?”

I’m not racist, but… “Boy, this fried chicken is good!”

I’m not racist, but… “The Faraday constant is equal to approximately 96,500 coulombs.”

Seriously. Thought it was okay to laugh? Racist. …And I can say that because I’m not racist.

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SURPRISE! You’re a Moron!

If you have to tell people that you had/have an “unplanned pregnancy,” it had better involve giving birth to Jesus. Pregnancy cannot be a surprise.*

Oh! my husband/boyfriend/random sexual partner and I were so surprised that we got pregnant!” NO, YOU WEREN’T! AND IF YOU TRULY WERE “SURPRISED,” YOU ARE A COMPLETE IDIOT WHO DOESN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT HAPPENS DURING THE ACT OF SEX.

Here’s an uncomfortable truth: IF YOU HAVE SEX, YOU MIGHT GET (OR DIRECTLY CAUSE SOMEONE TO GET) PREGNANT, YOU INSUFFERABLE MORON.

Don’t sound so shocked. Bang someone at age 17? You might get pregnant. Bang your spouse at age 40? You might get pregnant. WHERE’S THE SURPRISE?!

*disclaimer: this statement does not apply to victims of sexual violence who have been drugged, etc.