Highway to the Friendzone

If you have to talk about how you got “friendzoned” by a girl, realize that you’re speaking about something that doesn’t exist–and it makes you sound like a desperate, sad whiner who has probably never been with a girl anyway.

Gents, I hate to break it to you, but girls have made the irrevocable decision of whether or not they would EVER EVEN CONSIDER sleeping with you within approximately 32 seconds of meeting you for the first time. Literally. Introduce yourself, wait a minute, and then ask her if she’d ever even possibly think about sleeping with you.* She’ll either say “hell no” or she’ll blush. There’s your answer. You’re welcome.

If you claim there’s such a thing as the “friendzone,” then you’re assuming that thing is an aberration from the norm… namely, you are assuming that most girls want to sleep with you.

Allow me to offer the dissenting and most likely uncomfortable opinion: almost no girls want you. If you happen to find one who does, THAT’S the aberration. When this rare occurrence happens, say you’ve been “bangzoned.” Makes a lot more sense, and I bet you’ll find more people will want to celebrate with you about that compared with the low attendance you’ll find at your little friendzone pity party.

* Omg, please let me know if you try this. I want to know every detail about what happens, including how much you cried when she kicked you in the balls.

Sourcing Credibility

If you have to get advice, get it from a credible source. Want to know about the weather? Ask a meteorologist. Want advice on meat? Don’t get it from a vegan. 

I was just watching a presentation on tv in which an impeccably dressed woman in heels used the term “marathon gaming sessions” to describe some aspect of some computer. I don’t buy it. That chick has never been on an energy drink and Twizzler-fueled bender, playing some MMORPG until 5 AM and passing out in a pile of Corn Nuts. It’s just not believable. Get some fat guy named Kevin whose Star Wars t-shirt is just a little too tight and who speaks in internet slang to tell me about the gaming-ness of this computer, and I’ll believe whatever he has to say. He comes off as a credible source.

Want to know why I’ve never read/seen Fifty Shades of Grey? …Well, first of all, I’m not a sad, desperate yoga mom. But also, have you seen how gosh darn fugly the author is?! She is not a source for sexy, credible, plausible-sounding banging stories! Want a good story? I guarantee that a hot person will have better quality (and more believable) sex stories.

In summation… talk to a plumber about your pipes, see a doctor about your medical issues, and don’t read sex books by ugly women.

Too Hot for… You?

If you have to complain about your relationship, make sure you’re complaining about something that makes sense. (This is gonna get hella metaphorical, so strap in, kids.)

Imagine that you have fantasized for years about owning a Lamborghini (or a Lotus, or a Tesla, or a damned Prius–if that’s the type of thing that tickles your fancy). All of the sudden, you are given the car of your DREAMS.

However… now you are the owner of a Lamborghini. You have to step up your game. You can’t bum around in sweatpants anymore. You need to look and act the part of Lamborghini Owner. It’s a lot of work. In addition to making yourself a fitting owner for that fine automobile, you need to wash it, park it further out in the parking lot than you used to park your Taurus, and go to the luxury car dealership when it needs work.

Does that sound like too much work for you, Sweatpants Man?? Don’t be mad at the Lamborghini for being fabulous. THAT’S WHAT YOU WANTED, REMEMBER?!

Lost on that one? Try this:  If you buy a candle, you should light it and experience it with all your senses. Enjoy its heat, its glow, its scent, and its spark. (Maybe don’t lick it, but you know what I mean.) Don’t buy it and stick it in a cabinet just to be able to say that you have a candle. Who cares if you have a candle if it’s just shoved in the back of your sock drawer?

Still not with me? Okay. Don’t be mad at your hot significant other because they’re hot. You wanted a hot person, you somehow managed to score one, and now you’re all pissy because they haven’t fallen into the same pit of self-loathing and sloth that you swim in? Hmm… maybe lower your expectations… for next time. 🙂