Just Take the Whole Donut

If you have to cut the donut in half, or only take half of the bagel, or break off half the cookie, or cut a fucking sandwich in half in the company kitchen, please know that no one else is going to take the other half (and if they do, they’re as disgusting as you are). We ALL know you want the other half, fatty–and we know that you think you’re fooling us into thinking that you’re a conscientious calorie counter. Sorry to break it to you, but it’s not working. We all watched you touch the donut with your sweaty, fat fingers.

Just take the whole donut (cookie, bagel, sandwich, slice of cake, whatever), because you’ll only be judged if you’re being absolutely, incredibly disgusting by taking half. And we all know you’re going to come back and get more when no one’s watching.