So-Freaking-Stupid-Jones

If you have to hyphenate your name, ladies, please have a legitimate reason for doing so. Legitimate reasons are listed below:

1. You’re a doctor who graduated before getting married. Your degree says Jones. Your husband’s last name is Miller. You can be Dr. Jones-Miller.

2. You have (a) kid(s) already and are getting married. (Especially true if he also has kids and/or the two of you intend to have more kids.) You, Ms. Smith, can be Mrs. Smith-Barney.

3. Your last name is at the end of its bloodline. You have no brothers. Your dad, Mr. Williams, is all worked up about it. You have my blessing to be Mrs. Williams-Sonoma.

4. Your husband has passed. You can hyphenate with your maiden name, your married name, and/or a new married name, should you choose to remarry. You have unlimited creative license here. You can be Mrs. Hyphen-Asterisk-Ampersand.

5. You’re a celebrity. Julia Roberts shouldn’t be Julia Moder (and not Julia Lovett, either!). She’s Julia Roberts. Hyphen whatever, but she’s still Julia Roberts.

That’s about it. Vanity hyphenation is stupid. There’s a 99% chance that it doesn’t matter because YOU’RE NOT FAMOUS. If you’re doing it for an inane reason like “so my high school friends can find me on Facebook! omg lol brb ❤ fo realz," you probably aren't bright enough to be reading this blog, so I'm not too worried about offending you.

Please do your part to stop the vanity hyphenation madness. Mrs. Oglethorpeson-Ziminikowski just shouldn't happen.

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Park[ing] Backward is Krap

If you have to back into a parking space, please first perform whatever check you feel appropriate to ensure that you are not a woman. Should you, in fact, be a woman, do not attempt to park backward.

By virtue of having two X chromosomes, women lack the spatial awareness and sound judgment required to maneuver a vehicle between two lines when driving forward–let alone when driving backward. (This is especially true if the vehicle being driven is larger than a Honda Civic.)

It always goes like this:

Slow reverse. Abrupt stop. Turn steering wheel completely in one direction. Even slower creep. Long pause. Mirror check. Roll down window. Head out window. Shriek. Shift into park. Open car door. Lean out car door. Sudden realization that seat belt is still fastened. Close car door. Turn steering wheel completely in other direction. Shift into drive. Car turns in the opposite of the intended direction. Abrupt stop. Eyes well up with tears. Pulls out cell phone to ask Facebook friends if they know how to back into a parking space. Checks Twitter. Posts a grainy picture with caption “omg lol drinks last night with Tammy! wtf brb parking.” Looks in rearview mirror. Grabs purse to find mascara…

All the while, I’m sitting there trying to suppress my anger. Fun fact: When I’m in a parking garage, I’m not there to leisurely hang out and have a picnic lunch while you put your lipstick away and try to figure out where the “B for Backwards” position is on your gear selector.

In closing, if you’re a woman who wants her vehicle parked backward in a parking space, just pull your vehicle onto the sidewalk in front of the building and go get Jeffrey on the 22nd floor to park it for you. Trust me… It’ll take less time, it’ll be less frustrating, and the only person who’ll hate you at the end of the day is Jeffrey. (But let’s be honest–he’s only doing it because you hide your ice cream shop punch cards in the ashtray and he can take at least two without you even noticing. Dang, girl… How much ice cream can one person eat?!)

Impudent Presuppositions

If you have to preface it with, “You probably don’t know this, but,” please don’t bother asking me the question. As a matter of fact, please don’t talk to me at all. Ever.

If you really don’t think I’ll know, why in the world are you asking? And if you think there’s a snowball’s chance that I WILL know, why are you insulting me before you ask for my help?

It’s like saying, “You’re probably too fat to climb the stairs” or “You’re probably too short to reach this thing on the shelf.”

Just quit being a jerk…but you’re probably too stupid for that.