Your technology isn’t “disruptive,” your little life workarounds aren’t “hacks,” and–holy shit–you aren’t coming up with “disruptive hacks.”
It’s not a breakfast hack to mix sausage and eggs together. It doesn’t matter if you put the mixture in a muffin pan. That ain’t new, it ain’t particularly innovative, and my grandma has been making breakfast casserole for years. YEARS. And don’t make a three minute video of you putting strawberries and kiwi on top of some cream cheese and act like your ass has just managed to solve the problem we all seem to have when we can’t figure out how the hell we can shove more sugar and calories down our throats.
The mere fact that you’ve cut the bottom off of a 20 oz. water bottle and are now using it as a funnel does not mean that you’ve done a “LIFE HACK ZOMG WATER BOTTLE!!!!1!” and we should all watch your video on YouTube. (The only thing you’ve hacked, you simpleton, is your finger while trying to use a pocketknife to cut the damn bottle.)
“#disruptoutlook” is an inappropriate hashtag to use when you’ve made the SHOCKING discovery that you can use rules to direct emails that contain the subject line “Girl Scout cookies” directly into your Trash folder. …Congratulations. You’ve just pointed out something the rest of humankind has been doing for hundreds of thousands of years.
Somebody else has already come up with the idea to put a plastic bag around the E. coli-covered remote control in the hotel room, so just relax–and maybe Google your amazing revelations before proclaiming yourself a genius.
If you have to use the term “hack,” make sure you’re either using the denotation or you’re talking about something revolutionary. Reusing a red plastic cup (from which you drank PBR last night) as a pencil holder is not a “LIFEHACK OMG BILLY I’M A FRIGGIN GENIUS.”
Life hack #352: Put cucumber slices in water!
Sorry, Brenda. That little submission to Good Housekeeping just doesn’t cut it. You’re not even selling a stretch version such as: Hate drinking plain water? Trick your palate by consuming two calories (!!) of cucumber-enhanced water. You get the benefits of increased water consumption because you’re drinking something that tastes good without all those extra pesky calories! Ugh, Brenda. Your enthusiasm hurts my soul.
Hack Microsoft Word to give you 1.25″ margins!
You’re not “hacking.” You’re changing settings in Word. And your professor/boss/client CAN tell, you idiot. He/she can also tell that you changed the font size to 10.5. Also? You’re fired.
Acceptable uses of the term “hack”:
You just have to hack the firewall to access the COM ports and disengage the blarg blarg nerd words, and then you can bleep blorp the dongle!
Hack three inches off your ratty hair so we don’t have to look at those split ends!
[Controversial journalist or bad actor like Nicolas Cage] is such a hack. He can’t hack it with [someone awesome like–looks up at Netflix screen–Jason Bateman! …Wait! Is Ben Affleck in this too? And Kristen Wiig! Wow. I need to watch this movie again, even though Mila Kunis is annoying].
In closing, Jason Bateman, Will Smith, and Charlize Theron are my favorite actors, so the movie Hancock is awesome–and don’t misuse the word “hack,” or I’ll throatpunch you.