Derp Derp, Doctor! Derp!!!

If you have to see a medical doctor, the doctor’s staff should give you an examination. On paper. To see if you’re an idiot.

After a ridiculous 20 minutes (of my life I’ll never get back) of talking to my new (now old–I’m not going back to this douchebag) doctor, I found myself telling him my educational background and medical experience so he’d stop treating me like some backwoods hillard who had never heard of healthcare or medical treatment. Ugh.

It’s true that some people will go to a doctor, list symptoms, and wait for a medical mastermind to put the pieces together to come up with a diagnosis. (Your fingertip hurts, there’s blood, your skin seems to be open in a straight line… Hmm… PAPERCUT! Here’s a Band-Aid. That’ll be $250.)

Some other folks will type a few words about their stubbed toe into WebMD and only be able to come up with “cancer.” They go into hysterics and demand to be treated immediately.

Others of us, however, will have put symptoms together, done some online research, used some logic, and come up with a reasonable explanation of what could be wrong. We essentially just need a doctor to confirm our [quite reasonable] self-diagnosis in order to prescribe the treatment we’ve already figured out that we need. (“Hello, doctor. I have strep throat. Please confirm and then prescribe amoxicillin. I have no known contraindications.”)

This is one of the many things that’s so messed up about healthcare in this country. Treating intelligent people and morons the same way just bogs down the system.


I’m a 9B with Honors

If you have to call the IT department, you should immediately make known your level of technical expertise. A category assignment system would make this phenomenally easy. Imagine how much time this could save. State your rank/level from 1 (you think the only way to turn off your computer is to unplug it) to 10 (ugh, why don’t the IT guys know anything?). Letter qualifiers allow the addition of credentials:

5A = knows the difference between hardware and software, took a computer class in college
8TG = is proficient at manipulating data in Excel, shops at
10P = has installed an OS other than Windows, has programming experience

Here’s how this could go:

IT: “Hello, IT…”
Nancy: Good morning. My name is Nancy and I’m a level 1.”
IT: “Thank you, Nancy. Before we begin, is your computer plugged into an electrical outlet? Do you know how to determine if your computer is getting power?”


IT: “Hello, IT…”
Mike: “Hey there. I’m Mike and I recently attained rank 9L.”
IT: “Excellent, Mike! Do you just need me to assign you admin rights so you can take care of your issue?”

So efficient, unlike my call to IT today. It went something like this:

IT: “Hello, IT…”
Me: “Hi. My name is xxxx. I just got the Windows 7 upgrade, and I need to install [program].”
IT: “Have you turned the computer off and turned it back on?”
Me: “What? No! I just need to install [program].”
IT: “I’m remoting into your computer. This will enable me to take control of your mouse–”
Me: “Seriously, I can do this myself. It’s no big deal. I just need to know–”
IT: “Click the box that says OK.”
Me: “Okay, fine.”
[more silence]
IT: “I’ve installed the program and added a shortcut to your desktop. When you want to open the program, take your mouse–”
Me: [hangs up phone and disconnects remote connection]


Bluetooth Bob

This should go without saying, but if you have to use a Bluetooth device in public, could you just NOT make eye contact with other people? There’s nothing like being in an airport (or a mall, or a waiting room at a doctor’s office) and glancing up to see someone looking at you and saying, “Hey! How’s it going?” and then continuing to talk before you’ve said anything. Worse…you reply, and he/she shoots you an annoyed look while pointing to the tiny piece of plastic in his/her ear. Even worse, there’s an exchange you think is actually happening with this person who is oblivious…

Bluetooth Bob: “Hey! How’s it going?”
You: “I’m doing well… How are–?”
BB: “Great, great… So, hey, I need a favor.”
You: “You need a… What? Who are–?”
BB: “Can I borrow your car? I just need it for the weekend.”
You: “Whoa. Who the f–?”

At that point, Bob walks away, obviously chatting with someone on the phone. You look like an idiot, but the other people in Starbucks get a good laugh. You feel really stupid, so you write a blog entry about it.

Hypothetically speaking, of course.

Hotties and Notties

Ladies, if you have to post pictures with your friends on social media, make sure you’re the prettiest one in the picture. (Sorry. Someone had to say this.)

You know you have some uggo pals out there… Drag ’em out from under their bridges and take some pics with you as the shining star!

(Yes, this means that when Kimmie posts a picture of you and her on Instagram, she thinks she’s hotter than you.)

Yumlicious Ranch!!

If you have to take pictures of your food, don’t tell people you’re a food blogger. You’re not. You’re a douche with a blog, just like everyone else. No one is paying you to write about the pan-fried scallops at Red Lobster. Here are some other things to keep in mind:

1) Chances are that your mom and your Aunt Gertie are the only ones who have ever read any of your brilliant commentary.

2) Not one single person has ever said, “Oh! What a masterful use of Instagram! Bronze freckle twist was the ideal filter to capture the essence of the eggplant parmigiana! I must get to Olive Garden immediately and mention this incredible review!”

3) If you tell the waitstaff you’re a food blogger, keep in mind that they’ve heard that from more than their fair share of randoms–and you may end up with some coughy in your coffee.

4) When [if] you do actually get to the writing (or, heaven forbid, the YouTubing) of your review, know this: reviews are, by nature, subjective, but partial objectivity will help your case immensely. The second you call the salsa ranch (ugh) yummy (yum-o, etc.), I will discount everything you have to say about the dish. Fact: ranch dressing is absolutely revolting.

5) Yelp is not a blog. Let me be very clear: if you post your restaurant reviews to Yelp (Urbanspoon, etc.), you ARE NOT a food blogger. You have submitted a restaurant review. Also, if your “review” says something like “omg yumlicious cheese lol brb wtf blah blah ranch,” you are one of the people who are clogging the series of tubes we call the web with ridiculous drivel.

Foot Selfies

If you have to take pictures of your feet, would you please not post them on social media so other people have to look at them?

1) Feet are gross. Everyone thinks so, except those pervs with foot fetishes–and if you’re posting foot pictures to please them, you’re even sicker than they are.

2) Feet are ugly. You probably don’t realize it, but the fact that your feet look different from other people’s probably means that yours look odd/strange/different/ugly to other people.

3) No, it doesn’t matter if you just got a pedicure. Saying “painted my piggies!!!! lol omg ❤ <3" does NOT make your feet adorable.

Is there even one legitimate reason to take pictures of your feet? Yes. There are two, actually:

1) Tattoos on the ankle and/or the top of the foot. It is completely permissible to post a picture of a tattoo. When possible, please let the viewer know before opening the picture that there is a foot (or feet) present.

2) The second reason doesn't involve putting it out there on social media. Foot snapshots are allowed if a person is tracking the size of a mole/spot/lesion/anomaly on the skin's surface in order to support a medical diagnosis.

Keep your feet in your shoes and off the web. Thank you.


Nice to Meat You

If you have to be vegan, could you please just shut up about it?

Is it the taste? I get that you have a glass of wine (or don’t drink at all) because you don’t like the taste of beer, but I’ve NEVER heard a vegan/vegetarian say they don’t eat meat because they don’t like the taste of bacon. It’s always some bleeding heart story about which my meat-loving self could not begin to care.

Is it because veganism/vegetarianism is against popular opinion (and logic, but that’s another story) that they have to be so outspoken? Maybe, but guess what, folks…you don’t have to blather on about it. Here’s an example: everyone seems to love them for some reason, but I hate the Beatles. The difference here is that I don’t tell everyone and try to convince them that their taste in music is stupid or wrong or unenlightened. I just silently [internally] smile, knowing that other people like crappy music.

Do they feel like they’re doing everyone a service by saying the rest of us are terrible people and we should all watch Food Inc.? Ugh. No one needs to hear your personal PSA.

Recognize that choosing to not eat meat is just that–a choice. It’s a personal choice. I’m not going to say a darn thing when you order pasta with marinara at dinner, so you’d better shut your mouth about my steak.

Spritzing in Public

If you have to wear perfume, cologne, overly scented lotion, or body spray (this includes Axe), please do not apply your scent of choice in a public space. This includes public restrooms, elevators, cubicle farms, enclosed parking garages, copy rooms, stairwells, dressing rooms, waiting rooms, and coat closets.

You may be spritzing or lathering your dermis and/or your clothes because you forgot to shower, you intentionally didn’t shower, or you’re desperately trying to capture the attention of Margo five cubes over, but just quit it. Apply your crappy stench at home. I’m tired of choking on your stink.

Don’t Speak

If you have to make an idiotic comment to a pregnant woman, it had better be about something other than what’s going on in her belly. Her belly = her business. You need to shut up about it.

Here’s a list of what NOT to say. We’ll pretend that this is a hypothetical list and I didn’t hear each and every one of these things when I was pregnant.

“You sure it’s not twins?” (5 times a day, every day)

“You’re eating too much, you’re gaining too much weight, and there won’t be clothes that will fit you in three months.” (Mean girl at work)

“You look like you’re about to pop!” (This one started around the 5-month mark. Thanks, everyone.)

“You’d better eat all the [insert junk food name here] while you have an excuse!” (Not an “excuse.” Baby.)

“I can’t believe how big you are!” (I can’t believe how rude you are.)

“Good thing you’ll have the whole summer on maternity leave to lose all that weight.” (Yep. Jumping on an elliptical before leaving the hospital. Moron.)

“Must be nice to be able to take a vacation while the rest of us have to work!” (Vacation? I thought it was called maternity leave.)

“Are you still pregnant?” (Um…?)

“Walking pretty slowly there!” (You would be, too.)

“You’ll go early for sure.” (Thanks, doctor! …Wait. You’re not my doctor? Shut up.)

“Are you going to keep working?” (Nope. Having a baby actually SAVES money! I’m retiring early!)

“My daughter-in-law is due the same time as you, but she’s a lot smaller than you. You’re MUCH bigger, with a bigger frame. She can’t weigh near as much as you.” (Said by a guy)

“My wife weighs 100 pounds and only gained 10 pounds when she was pregnant.” (Good for her? Too bad she’s still married to you.)

“I had a perfect pregnancy…never sick, only gained 19 pounds, easy delivery. So why are you having a c-section again?” (Mutant.)

“You’re getting so big so fast!” (I’m growing a human. What have YOU accomplished today?)

“You look so tired/exhausted/worn out…” (That’s because I AM. Your pointing it out makes me feel SO MUCH better. Also, you’re ugly, and that can’t be fixed by a good night’s sleep.)