Pet Pet Peeves

If you have to own animals as pets, don’t get all pissy because I don’t want to touch your dog. I really don’t care how much you think your wee canine is an actual member of your family… Your husband didn’t lick me and put his face in my lap when I sat down, so maybe you can keep Barfy the schnauzer at bay as well.

And cats? Ugh. I have been allergic to cats forever, so when my eyes begin to sting from cat stench when I go to your house, rest assured that I won’t be there long–and I probably won’t be back. (And yes, you should offer me a lint roller so I can get all of the cat hair off of me before I leave your home.)

Also, don’t get mad when my eyes glaze over whilst you’re recounting a story about your dog named Jeff. (We all know you named it “Jeff” so it would sound like you were interacting with a person. ‘I’m going to have dinner with Jeff tonight!’ Loser.) It’s a dog. It’s an animal that you allow to sleep in your bed(!!!). It’s gross and unsanitary.

I’m not saying that you have to leave your pets outside; I’m just saying that expecting me to be as okay with animal slobber and filth as you are is kind of an unrealistic expectation. Sorry not sorry.


Small-Town Snobbery

If you have to be all snobby because you live in what might be termed a “big city,” know that the mere fact that you do doesn’t make you a better person than me.

I’m from a small town–not tiny, but small enough that we all kind of knew of one another. I’ve also traveled–to big cities, to even smaller towns, and to other countries. Though I take virtually any opportunity to hate on my stupid small-town roots, I know that we didn’t have it all wrong. You city folk need to take a look at the cost of big city living…

  1. Public transportation. Really? That’s disgusting. People being carted around like cattle–in the same space, breathing the same air, smelling all of the… eyww.
  2. Real estate. Um, so, I’m like really happy for you that you have a house with the same number of square feet as mine, but you paid eight times as much for it and your condo fees are twice my mortgage payment. Good for you, I guess?
  3. People. Did I mention that people are disgusting?
  4. Parking. In what universe does it seem right that I should pay $150 to park my car somewhere for two days?!
  5. Zip code pricing. I suppose I should be pleased and honored to pay 20% more for my latte if I buy it at a non-drive-thru Starbucks in your bustling downtown area.
  6. Walking vs. your stupid taxis. No, I don’t want to walk twelve blocks in these heels–nor do I want to pay some guy in a taxi $38 to drive me twelve blocks.

So shut up. I live in an area with a low cost of living that just happens to be a suburb of a (by anyone’s estimation) large city. I pay lower property taxes than you do, I have just as many (if not more) dining options than you do because I have what’s called a “car,” and–oh yeah–did you know that little pots along the sidewalk aren’t where trees typically grow?

You’re not better than me. You’re just busier and more jaded than me. Oh, and you make a lot more money than I do. Good for you, city dweller. Don’t choke on your smog.

Snow Smugness

If you have to live in an area that has, you know, seasons… you’d better shut your damn mouth if you’re a fan of that white shit that falls from the sky when it’s cold.

I semi-voluntarily live in a part of the country that has annual temperatures that range from -30 to 100 degrees Fahrenheit. Yeah, it’s probably my fault that I live here, but that doesn’t give you the right to dance around and sing when there’s a blizzard happening outside.

Show some respect. Some of us legit suffer in the winter. Our skin gets dry and chapped, we have to wear less-than-cute clothes to beat the cold, we can’t use our phones while wearing fur-lined gloves, we have to apply lip balm constantly, we can’t get a decent salad anywhere because restaurants only want to sell calorie-laden comfort food, we have to drive our cars on icy roads alongside people who have no idea what they’re doing, and to top it all off, we have to listen to your smug, pro-winter praises. Please just stop it–or else I’ll be forced to dance around in a bikini in front of you as soon as the temp hits 80 degrees. Take that, Jessica.

Horrible Heads of Hair

If you have to dye your hair, ladies, know that the ombré or bayalage thing you’re doing just makes it look like you couldn’t afford to hit the salon for the last seven months. Sure, you think it’s cool that the ends of your hair are blonde and your long roots are brown, but you look unkempt. Dirty. Gross.

Pick a color. Any color. Literally pick anything in the normal hair color spectrum. Get a couple of highlights. I don’t care. Please just know that when that shit starts growing out, you look disgusting. Get something done that you can actually maintain. Respect yourself and never forget that bitches like me are judging you every second of every day. Sorry not sorry.

Driving Me Nuts

If you have to drive on the same roads as me, for the love of all things holy, do not be a complete and utter fucking moron.

1. Roundabouts:  I live in an area that is absolutely chock-full of roundabouts. USED CORRECTLY, they save a lot of time and keep traffic flowing that would otherwise be stopped at a light or a sign. When morons come on the scene, roundabouts are frightening and dangerous. One time, I watched an old dude TURN LEFT and somehow not kill anyone.

2. Highways:  You know that Beyoncé song that’s all, “to the left, to the left…” Yeah, well, she wasn’t talking to you unless you’re going at least 10 over the posted speed limit. Your slow ass can stay in the right lane.

3. Changing Lanes:  You do not need to slow down, stop, or otherwise disturb the flow of traffic in your lane (or any other lane for that matter!) in order to switch lanes. You do, however, need to USE A TURN SIGNAL.

4. Parking:  Seriously, unless your car is worth over $100k, don’t you dare take up more than one parking space. I get it that you like your Prius, but if someone opens their car door into it, who cares? It’s a Prius. You’re a douche. You had it coming to you.