Coffee Talk

If you have to drink water, shut up about it. Holy crap, you people who don’t drink coffee/soda/alcohol/juice/anything other than effing water. You self-righteous, stupid, friendless jags can just go drink your triple-filtered, homogenized, organic, pasteurized, holier-than-thou water (that you got from a tap, you wangs!) from your glass bottles underground with your troll friends because WE ALL KNOW YOU’RE SCARED OF THE SUN, TOO.

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Hamburgers are Not the Enemy

If you have to whine and complain about food, know your audience and realize that I have zero sympathy for your stupidity that has resulted in your so-called weight issues.

Here’s a not-so-hypothetical:  I’m sitting next to two women who are talking about all the food they just can’t eat anymore. “…OMG, Lisa, I just can’t eat a whole burger!” Really? You can’t eat a whole hamburger because you think you’ll gain weight? Lady, I just watched you wolf down fries and a slice of cheesecake along with that “highly responsible” broiled chicken. Burgers are not your problem. YOU are your problem. Don’t blame the burger.

And I’m super sorry, Bertha… Losing three or four pounds won’t make you pretty. You are an unattractive person, and dropping a couple pounds won’t fix your face. Good luck in life.

Sandwich Sentiments

If you have to ask my opinion about anything, know that I’ll only give you up to 30% of the way I actually feel about it. For reference, here are my real opinions in the first of a series…

Sandwiches

1) Subway is disgusting. I don’t know why; it just is. There’s something about slimy turkey that’s the consistency of bologna from a shop that smells like BO and the employees are anything but “artists” that’s kind of a huge turn-off for me. I don’t care how many times you insist that crushed Fritos swimming in sickenly sweet-tasting goo that’s anything but “teriyaki” on your day-old bread is the best sandwich I’ve never had, but you can keep your $5 footlong. And btw, your whole sandwich toasting thing isn’t, like, new.

2) Best sandwich ever:  a turkey, lettuce, and tomato sandwich on some crazy wheat ciabatta roll from the cafeteria on the campus of Notre Dame. I absolutely despise Notre Dame and everything about it–except for that turkey sandwich.

3) Mayonnaise and ranch dressing are revolting. Don’t you dare bring either of them near my sandwich, and don’t pretend that “chipotle mayo” or “avocado ranch” are actual things. They are not.

4) Cheese is 100% not necessary on a sandwich unless it directly enhances the meat. (Sidenote:  there’s no such thing as a “veggie sandwich.” That’s a salad on bread, and that’s stupid.) Adding cheese to an otherwise good sandwich is a waste. Baby Swiss melted atop smoked turkey is a good thing; sharp cheddar on a roast beef and Dijon sandwich is a stupid thing. Don’t be stupid. Pair cheeses and meats intelligently OR DON’T PAIR THEM AT ALL.

5) The best sandwiches are from delis, not from restaurants. The deli business model is based around how they can get the maximum amount of meat into the eager tummies of their patrons. They’re not going to slap Thousand Island-ranch-mayo on panini-pressed sourdough bread with a sad, small slice of roast beef and expect rave reviews (ahem… Panera). Please also note that McAlister’s Deli is not a deli. It’s not even a nice place to eat–but there are free pickles, and everybody likes free pickles. Unless you’re a weirdo.

6) Burgers are not “sandwiches.” Burgers are burgers. (Don’t think for a second that I won’t throatpunch you if you call it a ground beef sandwich on a roll.)

7) Jimmy John’s does a fine job. They promise sandwiches in a very short period of time, and they do sandwiches well (…without mayo, of course).