Dress Thyself Properly

If you have to leave your house, try dressing in a way that shows that you respect yourself and that you are cognizant of your body size and shape. I’m not saying you need to blow a few grand at Saks in order to go to CVS for some cold medicine, but you know… when you’re going to a restaurant (you know, one of the ones without a drive-thru) or to the office, dress for the body you have.

If you have a shirt that fit you 50 pounds ago or one that you think will fit you in 50 pounds:

  1. Stop measuring time in pounds, you weirdo
  2. Don’t effing wear the shirt

If you’re a large person, wear large clothes. If you’re a small person, wear small clothes. If you’re an XXL, wear XXL clothes. AND PLEASE NOTE THAT BUYING A PAIR OF SIZE 6 PANTS DOES NOT MAKE YOU A SIZE 6.

Office Ungifting

If you have to give a gift at work because it’s the fucking holidays and you’re one of those stupid-ass bitches who buys gifts for everyone in the whole office, don’t expect for one fleeting second that you’ll get one back from me. I DON’T EVEN LIKE YOU, SHARON. DON’T BUY ME A STUPID PRESENT. Also, Barbara–fuck you. Fuck you and your fucking jelly beans. Jelly beans are not seasonally appropriate!

…And Jessica, I do not appreciate that you got me a thoughtful present that I actually like. I now have to expend the tiny amount of time and sanity and money I have left on buying you something nice and that clearly demonstrates that I give approximately one-half of an actual fuck about you. Stop being awesome, Jessica. It’s too much for me to handle during this ridiculous season.

Can we all just not? I mean, Tina needs to bring in her amazing cookies, and Brian can buy us all drinks after work on Tuesday, but that’s it. Let’s just say ‘Merry Christmas’ or ‘happy holidays’ or ‘pleasant winter’ or ‘seems like it’s getting a bit cold outside, huh Jeff?’ or whatever the hell we’re allowed to say these days. No presents.

Completely Justified -isms

If you have to hate someone, I’ve always said that you should do it for a legitimate (but completely arbitrary) reason. The following examples are groups of people who do not get enough seething rage, discrimination, and hatred from society, though they probably deserve it:

  • Stilettoism:  hatred for women who lack the necessary ankle strength and/or balancing ability, but insist on wearing high heels anyway.
  • Nicknameism:  discriminating against those people who make their nicknames hard to spell. (Like, I get that your parents named you Mikaylah–and I hate them for that, but I hate you because you nicknamed yourself “Mikkiyee.”)
  • Stretchism:  disgust for people who stretch any time and every time they’re standing still. (Get your leg off the back of the couch, Anna, and stop bending over.)
  • Unintentional BJ-ism:  hating on people who, during business meetings, drink water from bottles that are, like, big sippy cups with the fat straws that you have to compress to suck. (No one can concentrate on strategic planning while Tim is performing oral on his water bottle. Especially when he hasn’t broken eye contact with Ron for twenty seconds.)
  • Garbagehumanism:  discriminating against people who listen to country music.
  • Doggy bag at the table eater-ism:  anger toward people who, before the meal, ask for half their dinner to be boxed as leftovers, and then open the box and start picking at it while the rest of us eat from our plates like normal people, Janet.
  • Non sequiturism*:  hating those people who have to jump into EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION with some off-the-wall, ridiculous bullshit. (“Did you know that the Brazil nut is not, in fact, a nut?” Shut the fuck up, Chad!)

*Fun fact:  my phone tried to autocorrect that to “non sequin urinalysis,” which obviously makes more sense. (I blame Chad.)