Tag Archives: idiots

Fan-derp-monium

If you have to be a fan of something, at least have a reason. Any reason.

You can be a fan of Taylor Swift because you enjoy her music. You can say you appreciate that she writes her own songs. You can simply be a fan of toothpick-shaped, bobbleheaded blonde singers who overuse red lipstick, and that’s okay! That’s a reason!

By the same token, if you’re a fan of a university or a sports team or a sports team at a university, I expect you to have a reason.

So you’re a Notre Dame fan, huh? Yeah! Go Irish! Did you go there? No. Did, like, a good friend or relative of yours go there? Nope. Have you ever been to a football game there? No. Have you ever been to any sporting event there? Um…no. Are you even Catholic? No…at least I don’t think so. What are the symptoms of being Catholic? Would I have, like, a rash or something? Did you grow up, like, right across the street* from the campus? No. …Soooo why are you a fan, then? Derp de derp! Go Irish! Do you want people to think you went to school there, or are you really just a big fan of sparkly helmets, shamrocks, leprechauns, and rapists? Wait… So you’re a fan because you think it makes you look cool or something? Um… Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Growing up, my dad told me that we (the family) are Republicans. …Why, Dad? [Are you sitting down for this? You should really be sitting down for this.] We are Republicans so people won’t think we’re poor. What?!

Don’t be a sign-toting, t-shirt-wearing, fight song-singing, chant-shouting fan of something if you can’t back it up.

*The townie exception applies only if a person grew up less than a mile from campus. If your backyard is practically attached to the football field, you’re allowed to be a fan by proximity.

Advertisements

Obligatory NYE Post

If you have to make a New Year’s Eve post, at least make it memorable. This one isn’t, but whatever. This isn’t about you. I mean, it kind of is… especially if your name is Brenda.

I hate new year’s resolutions. No one ever keeps them. Everyone starts eating carbs again before January 5th, they all stop working out by January 15th, and they’ve all canceled their gym memberships by March. They drop those resolutions faster than their accountability partner Brenda drops her fork when they walk in on her eating the pumpkin pie left over from Thanksgiving in the staff kitchen. Everyone is smoking, drinking, and binge eating like it’s going out of style before MLK Day. They stopped writing in their diaries on January 3rd, they inadvertently said the f-word because they forgot they had sworn off swearing, and they just. couldn’t. resist. the Diet Coke at lunch.

People are weak, and they don’t realize how little willpower they have.

1) If Brenda was a smart woman, she’d resolve to not eat blueberry pie in 2015 (although we all know it’s because she considers it a “health food”).

2) Tim and Tom at work should vow to not drink hard liquor during lunch breaks at work (because wine is fine and beer is just like soda with a kick anyway, right?).

3) Jessica should simply commit to only smoking cigarettes while she’s drinking (which will cause a marked uptick in her alcohol intake, and she’ll probably start going to lunch with Tim and Tom, but at least she’s making friends, right?).

4) Brad would swear to go to the gym every time Luke does (btw, Luke weighs 478 lbs. and is on bedrest for the foreseeable future).

Let’s be reasonable.

Me? Sure, I give. I’ll lay the groundwork for a fantastic year. Let’s see… In 2015:

a) I’ll get a doctor who’s not a complete jackass. (This one will be a huge project. I’ve gone through two so far.)

b) I’ll get a mentor at work. (Eek.)

c) I’ll lose 25 lbs. (This is the easiest one. I’m not Brenda.)

d) I’ll start uploading baking videos to YouTube. (And I’ll become famous, but whatever.)

e) I’ll make one female friend. (We all have to have a semi-impossible stretch goal, right?)

Less than three hours until 2015.

Helmets or Else

If you have to ride a motorcycle, for heaven’s sake, wear a helmet. You may think that the breeze is amazing and you’re really experiencing the ride, but when you make an idiot move and merge into the side of someone’s car, you’ll probably be dead. And guess what… THAT person has to live with your stupid death for the rest of his/her life. (Yes, this is a different spin than most people take.)

I’m not so worked up about your death because you’re dead. You’re a dead, helmetless idiot. I’m pissed at you because you didn’t care enough about other humans to make it so you didn’t ruin the entire rest of their lives when you got scraped up from the pavement. (…And yes, I know that a helmet won’t necessarily save lives every time, but stick with me here.)

It’s the same thing for you idiots who don’t wear seatbelts. When you run the red light and hit a car and get ejected from your vehicle and land on the pavement, the nice lady who was trying to get home to feed her cats will be wishing that you had taken the two seconds to buckle your safety belt. She’ll be stuck for the rest of her life feeling like she’s the one who killed you, even though you would have just had a broken bone or two if you hadn’t been such an idiot.

I’m done. Wear a helmet. Buckle up.

Hacktastic Hacktation

If you have to use the term “hack,” make sure you’re either using the denotation or you’re talking about something revolutionary. Reusing a red plastic cup (from which you drank PBR last night) as a pencil holder is not a “LIFEHACK OMG BILLY I’M A FRIGGIN GENIUS.”

Life hack #352: Put cucumber slices in water!

Sorry, Brenda. That little submission to Good Housekeeping just doesn’t cut it. You’re not even selling a stretch version such as: Hate drinking plain water? Trick your palate by consuming two calories (!!) of cucumber-enhanced water. You get the benefits of increased water consumption because you’re drinking something that tastes good without all those extra pesky calories! Ugh, Brenda. Your enthusiasm hurts my soul.

Hack Microsoft Word to give you 1.25″ margins!

You’re not “hacking.” You’re changing settings in Word. And your professor/boss/client CAN tell, you idiot. He/she can also tell that you changed the font size to 10.5. Also? You’re fired.

Acceptable uses of the term “hack”:

You just have to hack the firewall to access the COM ports and disengage the blarg blarg nerd words, and then you can bleep blorp the dongle!

Hack three inches off your ratty hair so we don’t have to look at those split ends!

[Controversial journalist or bad actor like Nicolas Cage] is such a hack. He can’t hack it with [someone awesome like–looks up at Netflix screen–Jason Bateman! …Wait! Is Ben Affleck in this too? And Kristen Wiig! Wow. I need to watch this movie again, even though Mila Kunis is annoying].

In closing, Jason Bateman, Will Smith, and Charlize Theron are my favorite actors, so the movie Hancock is awesome–and don’t misuse the word “hack,” or I’ll throatpunch you.