Helmets or Else

If you have to ride a motorcycle, for heaven’s sake, wear a helmet. You may think that the breeze is amazing and you’re really experiencing the ride, but when you make an idiot move and merge into the side of someone’s car, you’ll probably be dead. And guess what… THAT person has to live with your stupid death for the rest of his/her life. (Yes, this is a different spin than most people take.)

I’m not so worked up about your death because you’re dead. You’re a dead, helmetless idiot. I’m pissed at you because you didn’t care enough about other humans to make it so you didn’t ruin the entire rest of their lives when you got scraped up from the pavement. (…And yes, I know that a helmet won’t necessarily save lives every time, but stick with me here.)

It’s the same thing for you idiots who don’t wear seatbelts. When you run the red light and hit a car and get ejected from your vehicle and land on the pavement, the nice lady who was trying to get home to feed her cats will be wishing that you had taken the two seconds to buckle your safety belt. She’ll be stuck for the rest of her life feeling like she’s the one who killed you, even though you would have just had a broken bone or two if you hadn’t been such an idiot.

I’m done. Wear a helmet. Buckle up.


Things That Make You Go Woo

If you have to drink alcoholic beverages, ladies, please be aware of your drunk personality. Drunken women can be separated into three categories: introspective disasters, paranoid idiots, and woo girls.

Woo girls are the worst.

An Introspective Disaster will begin weeping inconsolably after her second drink. Occasionally, she won’t know why she’s crying, but it’s usually about some guy. The crying is sometimes tolerable, but the incessant yapping about her life and how tragic it all is will make you rethink ever drinking with this chick again. Get someone to take her home so she can curl up in a Snuggie and drink some hot cocoa while watching Jerry Maguire.

A Paranoid Idiot, after just a couple of drinks, will get worked up instead of relaxing. She’ll tell you that every girl in the bar looks better than she does. When a guy looks at her, she’ll check her purse to make sure she has her mace. She KNOWS FOR A FACT that the bartender was judging her because she got the house vodka in her drink. Everything’s a conspiracy… And that song that guy just played on the jukebox? IT’S A TRAP.

Woo Girls. There’s one in every group of girls who go out. (Don’t know who it is in your group? That’s because you blacked out while dancing on the bar last weekend–and why did your throat hurt so badly the next day? You woo’d. You’re that girl.) Woo Girls will ALWAYS take a shot. They’ll accept the martini from the creepy guy at the end of the bar. They’re always up for anything involving alcohol. They don’t eat food while they drink and they pre-game harder than you know how to party. And they woo (woo hoo!!!!!). They woo for people they see, songs that are played, drinks… They woo at the bar, on the dance floor, in the bathroom… They’re intolerable. They’re ridiculous. And they won’t remember any of it tomorrow.