Alpha Beta Apathy

If you have to yammer on and on about your college experience, maybe try to go light on the bro-ness and your keg stands and brotherhood and reciting the Greek alphabet and your brothers and your stupid-ass nicknames for each other… 

Newsflash:  You are the only one who gives a shit about your fucking Greek letters.

Seriously? You’re a Beta? A Sigma Nu? The fuck is that supposed to mean? You can get the ladies? Last time I checked (right now, actually), you were a 300 lb divorcĂ©e with a drinking problem.

So brag on, Brantley Rutherford Doucheville and Hamilton Blarfenburger III… We all stopped listening before you opened your mouth.

Sans Comic Sans

If you have to change the font on your work email, for the love of God and all things holy, do not change it to Comic Sans.

Unless you’re a preschool teacher or a seven year old kid with a lemonade stand, you have zero excuse to use that eyesore of a font.*

Sorry, Karen, but it’s not cute or funny or witty that you use 16 pt. lavender Comic Sans with a blue sky background when you’re emailing customers. You’re an embarrassment. Just do us all a favor and take your cat sweater and your smoker’s hack back to the unemployment line where you belong. Civilized society summarily rejects you.

* If you are a comic strip writer, you are only authorized to use Comic Sans in quote bubbles and thought clouds. Use in any other instance is punishable by rapid-fire throatpunch.