If you have to work in an office, you’re going to have to interact with other people at some point during your day, and your first interaction will probably be way earlier than you’d like it to be. Despite keeping earphones in your ears until 9 AM and staring at the floor when you go to grab your coffee in the break room, horrible morning people will invariably break the wall of solitude you’ve attempted to maintain.
You’ll be subjected to one of the following scenarios:
- Women talking – Here’s what you need to know. Conversations involving more than two women always start with a complaint about something: men, kids, the weather, the temperature of the office, any manner of physical ailments (feminine or unisex, real or perceived), or potential injustices in the world. When one woman gloms onto an idea, the rest of the group piles on, and it turns into a rally cry about overcrowding in the shared kitchen refrigerator or some stupid thing like that.
- Men talking – The average man knows a total of seven things about sports. He will try to interject at least two of these nuggets into every man-conversation he has. Therefore, any attempt to follow men’s sports conversation is an exercise in futility because they all talk over each other, and they’re usually not even discussing the same sport. They’ll just keep getting louder and louder.
- Men and women talking – This doesn’t actually happen. A woman will say something about waiting in line to pour herself some coffee, and a man will mumble something about free throw percentages, then another woman will ask what he’s talking about, and then a man will say something about the World Series, and a woman will say something about how NFL players beat women, and then somebody from HR will walk by, and everyone will go silent.
So good luck. Avoid other humans when possible, but when you can’t, get coffee in the HR break room.
If you have to refer to yourself as an athlete, you’d better make for damn sure that your sport of choice is actually a sport. (Sorry, skee ball “champions.”)
What is a sport? According to the dictionary in my head, a sport is any type of competitive physical activity that requires some amount of skill and/or expertise. Need examples? Of course you do:
- Football = sport
- Basketball = sport
- Tennis = sport (even though it is often played while wearing a skirt)
- Golf = not a sport (because driving a golf cart and drinking are not sports)
- Baseball = sport (even though there are only 32.7 combined seconds of actual action in the entirety of a baseball game, it takes some skill to hit and/or throw a ball)
- Competitive eating = sport (it takes training and is very physically demanding)
- Spelling bees = not a sport (that’s mental activity, not physical, and it should not be on ESPN)
- Running = not a sport (because unless you’re actually running against other people, you’re just some dude who likes sweating and wearing spandex)
- Race car driving = not a sport (because being a little dude in a hot car and turning left all the time doesn’t qualify)
- Cheerleading = sport (but I’m only talking about what they do during the games, ifyouknowwhatimean)
- Darts = not a sport (because no one in the history of the world has ever done it sober)
- Soccer = sport (even though it mostly just involves kicking other people in the shins)
- Poker = not a sport (and if you think it is, I will throatpunch you)
- Pool = sport (arguably more mental than physical, but I’ve had to contort myself into some odd yoga-like poses to get the balls where they need to go, so it totally counts)
- Video games = not a sport (the only physical activity is moving the Doritos from bag to face)
- Bowling = sometimes a sport (let’s be honest; it depends on who’s doing it)
So go out there and be an athlete, instead of just an athletic supporter.
A cynical approach to just about everything