Idiotic Inquiries

If you have to have interactions with other human beings, don’t say incredibly stupid things under the guise of “joking.”

A couple of quick tips:

1) When a woman says, “Guess what!” do NOT guess that she’s pregnant. In the history of the universe, no woman has ever announced her pregnancy that way. You may think that you’re somehow being funny, but you’re wrong, you’ve made her think you just called her fat, and you make everyone within a 10-foot radius uncomfortable.

2) Ladies, don’t set yourselves up for #1. Try STARTING the conversation with, “I just repainted my bathroom,” instead of trying to make people guess.

3) When someone looks something other than bouncing-off-the-walls happy, don’t ask, “Who died?” I’m not going to explain this one.


Objects of Odium

If you have to be angry at the world, don’t take it out on me. You’re unattractive; I get it, but it’s not like I’m the one who beat you with the ugly stick. Leave me alone, and take your vitriolic soliloquies elsewhere.

Let me be clear: I don’t hate you because you’re ugly. I can’t stand you because you’re a bitter trainwreck of acrimonious rancor.

The fact that you only seem to gel with folks who are similarly lacking in the looks department tells me that you’re just angry at your own fugliness. Don’t be angry at me. Instead…

1) Be angry at your parents for birthing a venomous troll.
2) Be angry that your hot brother got first dip in the gene pool and you got the unfortunate seconds.
3) Be angry at society for valuing beauty such that folks like you are marginalized.

However, there’s hope–even for you. Here’s what you can do to cope:

1) Go get a funky, new haircut that takes the attention away from your face.
2) Get your nails done so you can vividly fantasize about clawing the smiles off of pretty people’s faces.
3) Buy some clothes that fit your shape instead of wearing shapeless bags and/or clothes that were too snug 50 lbs. ago.
4) Read a book or go to a conference about working with people and winning them over. When you feel some angry, boiling word vomit in the back of your throat, read another book.
5) Take a deep breath and realize that all of your human relationships fail because of one common factor: you.

The take-home message is that you can be an eyesore who’s a nice person–so even if you’re not going to try to make yourself presentable, you don’t have to be an intolerable jerkwad.