Tag Archives: words


If you have to deal with women, know that there are varying levels of what I’ll call #girlbrain.

Almost all women operate in 100% girlbrain mode, so you need to be really damn careful with what you say to them. Allow me to provide examples to elucidate my point…

  • Guy says:  “You look pretty today.”  Girl thinks:  If he’s saying I ‘look’ pretty, he must think I’m not actually pretty; I just appear pretty at the moment. And why do I only look pretty TODAY? Do I normally look bad? And wtf is ‘pretty’ anyway? I’m not sexy? I’m not hot? I’m just pretty??
  • Guy texts:  “Luv u”  Girl thinks:  Why didn’t he say ‘I love you’?? Can he not commit to owning his ‘luv’ by adding an ‘I’ to the beginning of that? Does he not actually LOVE me? Was he typing in a hurry BECAUSE THERE’S ANOTHER GIRL THERE?!?!?!!!
  • Guy says:  “[Female celebrity name] is attractive.” Girl thinks:  He’s obsessed with Sandra Bullock. Why the fuck is he obsessed with Sandra Bullock? She’s brunette. I’m blonde! She has brown eyes. Mine are blue! She never shows her teeth when she smiles. I grin and show my teeth! Oh no! He thinks I’m ugly!
  • Guy texts:  “You’re fun.” Girl thinks:  I’m fun?? Does he not take me seriously? Do I need to be more serious? Oh no… he thinks I’m stupid. No guy wants to be with a girl long-term who’s just ‘fun’ and nothing else. He thinks I don’t have any depth. OH NO! He caught me watching ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians’! How can I recover from this?!?!

Gentlemen, let me tell you… Girls will give themselves complexes about this shit. Want to give a girl a compliment? You have to be unambiguous. More than that, you have to be insanely, specifically, ridiculously clear. Don’t mistake brevity for clarity, but at the same time, you have to know your girl.

A select few ladies can take things as they were obviously intended, like, 97.2% of the time… but sometimes… even the best of us slip. We hear that we’re “fun,” and we go into full-on girlbrain, drawing spurious conclusions and mildly flipping the fuck out for no reason whatsoever.

For the love of all things holy, gents, have a bit of patience. Tell her something she can’t misinterpret. I’m going to stop short of telling you exactly what to say–because every woman is a special snowflake (*eye roll*) and responds differently to certain words.

Oh yeah, and watch out for those 100% girlbrain broads. They cray (and they’re also 99.4% of the women out there, so good luck, I guess).


Jall-AH-pin-oh Pepparz

If you have to use foreign words (or “borrowed” words into your own language), please don’t mispronounce them. You think you sound smooth and cultured, but you sound like an idiot (or a wannabe douche, and that’s probably worse).

Example: “I’m a huge wine afishonaydo.”

Really? A fish tornado? Do yourself a favor and just say “fan.” Also, drinking wine from a box and/or only drinking Riesling with ice cubes in it doesn’t make you an expert, a connoisseur, or even someone who can has a wine preference. (If I hear you talking about the “nose” of a particular “varietal” of Smirnoff Ice–you moron–I will have to smack you around just a little bit.)

And while I’m on the topic of stupid fans and fans of stupid… Loving Ryan Gosling movies OMG lmao wtf ❤ rotfl totally does not mean you're a fan of the arts. It means you like a mediocre actor with an unwarrantedly huge following of teen girls.

Watch it with designer names, too, slick. Don't try to pronounce Givenchy. Anything you might guess is incorrect. Also, do us all a favor and please stop saying Ralph Lor-EN. It’s LORE-in, like a girl’s first name. (Watch Friends… Rachel knows.)