Your technology isn’t “disruptive,” your little life workarounds aren’t “hacks,” and–holy shit–you aren’t coming up with “disruptive hacks.”
It’s not a breakfast hack to mix sausage and eggs together. It doesn’t matter if you put the mixture in a muffin pan. That ain’t new, it ain’t particularly innovative, and my grandma has been making breakfast casserole for years. YEARS. And don’t make a three minute video of you putting strawberries and kiwi on top of some cream cheese and act like your ass has just managed to solve the problem we all seem to have when we can’t figure out how the hell we can shove more sugar and calories down our throats.
The mere fact that you’ve cut the bottom off of a 20 oz. water bottle and are now using it as a funnel does not mean that you’ve done a “LIFE HACK ZOMG WATER BOTTLE!!!!1!” and we should all watch your video on YouTube. (The only thing you’ve hacked, you simpleton, is your finger while trying to use a pocketknife to cut the damn bottle.)
“#disruptoutlook” is an inappropriate hashtag to use when you’ve made the SHOCKING discovery that you can use rules to direct emails that contain the subject line “Girl Scout cookies” directly into your Trash folder. …Congratulations. You’ve just pointed out something the rest of humankind has been doing for hundreds of thousands of years.
Somebody else has already come up with the idea to put a plastic bag around the E. coli-covered remote control in the hotel room, so just relax–and maybe Google your amazing revelations before proclaiming yourself a genius.
If you have to drive on the same roads as me, for the love of all things holy, do not be a complete and utter fucking moron.
1. Roundabouts: I live in an area that is absolutely chock-full of roundabouts. USED CORRECTLY, they save a lot of time and keep traffic flowing that would otherwise be stopped at a light or a sign. When morons come on the scene, roundabouts are frightening and dangerous. One time, I watched an old dude TURN LEFT and somehow not kill anyone.
2. Highways: You know that Beyoncé song that’s all, “to the left, to the left…” Yeah, well, she wasn’t talking to you unless you’re going at least 10 over the posted speed limit. Your slow ass can stay in the right lane.
3. Changing Lanes: You do not need to slow down, stop, or otherwise disturb the flow of traffic in your lane (or any other lane for that matter!) in order to switch lanes. You do, however, need to USE A TURN SIGNAL.
4. Parking: Seriously, unless your car is worth over $100k, don’t you dare take up more than one parking space. I get it that you like your Prius, but if someone opens their car door into it, who cares? It’s a Prius. You’re a douche. You had it coming to you.
If you have to “use” quotation marks, make sure to use “them” correctly. That’s not the only problem, however…
Good heavens. You people make word’s plural by adding an apostrophe and an s at the end of word’s, you capitalize common Nouns, and you don’t know how, to use, commas correctly. You rely completely on spellcheck because you can’t remember when i comes before e. You’ve thrown out all the rules of proper grammar and you’ve replaced them with nonsensical abbrvs and shorthand.
I’ve had enough.
If you put “CHICKEN NOODLE” SOUP on your specials board, I have to assume that I will find neither chicken nor noodles in my soup bowl. Is it tofu? Are those things maggots? Maybe I should try your “DIET” SODA.
I saw a sign that said “PLEASE” NO LOITERING. What does that even mean?!
If you have to be filled with the holiday spirit, would you please keep it inside until you just explode into a cloud of glitter that sings the Bing Crosby versions of everyone’s favorite carols?
I won’t say I hate Christmas. I really don’t. I just hate virtually every single thing that goes along with it. I saw a woman with a Santa hat in a restaurant the other day, and even though it had “Bah Humbug” embroidered on it, I wanted to punch her in the face. I hate cold weather and Christmas cookies and chocolate and snow and ice and carols played obnoxiously loudly in the mall. I hate long lines at grocery stores and those ridiculous reindeer antlers people put on their cars and peppermint everything and feeling obligated to get gifts for coworkers who never give anything back. I hate that I can’t say “merry Christmas” (or even “happy holidays” anymore) without sounding racist or religionist or pissing off some stupid atheists. I hate the obligatory workplace potluck where women are expected to bring enormous crock pots full of meaty goodness, but then they’re judged if they eat anything more than two small servings of salad and one tiny piece of ham. I hate that church services in December have to have a watered-down, peppermint-scented, jazz flute-filled message in order to appeal to the masses. I hate that Diet Coke cans have snowflakes on them for six straight weeks. I hate ugly Christmas sweaters and the people who wear them. I hate that I can only buy decent summer sausage (irony?) in December. I hate the huge holiday group texts that people send in place of actual sentiment. I hate that people only remember to be nice to other people when they think that Santa is watching in the last 1/12th of the year. I hate that people will eat like it’s a sport all through December and then magically rediscover physical fitness on January 1st and I’ll have to tolerate weight loss challenges and thinspiration quotes and stupid interactions (omg Jessica we totes have to go to crossfit on Monday fo realz lol no rly).
*sigh* I like some stuff, I guess…
What do I like? Glitter. Sparkles. Christmas trees. I like watching National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation until I can’t stand it anymore. I like the previously-mentioned (and stupidly-named) summer sausage. I like fires in fireplaces and warm blankets and whipped cream all over everything. I like candles and fuzzy socks and all of the sales that start on December 26th. I like being the only customer shopping on New Year’s Day because all of you idiots are hung over at home.
Most of all, however, I like that December is only one month long. So merry Christmas or happy holidays or have a pleasant winter or whatever, I guess.
If you have to tell someone you’re not going to hire them, at least try to be creative–instead of offering a ridiculous, boilerplate reason.
“We’re looking for someone who’s had direct, client-facing [industry] [job type] experience” doesn’t work for me.
If I had successful direct, client-facing [industry] [job type] experience, I wouldn’t have applied… You’d be recruiting me instead! Ugh.
If you want a competent, knowledgeable, engaging person who is beyond enthusiastic about 1) working for your company and 2) being ridiculously successful… Well, here I am.
Not going to hire an applicant? Either don’t schedule an interview after reviewing the person’s résumé, or try one of these fabulous reasons for not hiring someone:
“We’ve decided to go with someone who spearfishes rare octopodes off the coast of Madagascar. Sorry we forgot to include that information in the job description.”
“We actually need applicants to be able to scribe short novellas in Swahili, but I don’t see that on your résumé. I’m sorry.”
“You didn’t earn the Underwater Basketweaving merit badge in Boy Scouts? You’re ineligible to even fill out the application!”
“Before we begin, I noted that you neglected to send a basket of mini-muffins when I scheduled this interview with you. Unless muffins appear on my desk in the next 30 seconds, this conversation is over.”
If you have to make a spectacle of yourself to donate to a charitable cause, please take two seconds before posting the humblebraggy video on Facebook or YouTube to reflect on what you’re actually doing.
Yes, I’m talking about the #icebucketchallenge to raise money for ALS. (Wait…what’s ALS? Oh yeah, that’s the thing I support when I write a check or whatever. Does that get me more hits or likes? Will that make it go viral?) I’m willing to bet that 98% of the morons who are doing this don’t have any idea about the cause they’re supporting.
“OMG, Kayleigh, like we totes have to have a wet t-shirt contest video thing and then send money to the LDS!”
“Yes!! What’s LDS?”
“He’s like a Mormon hockey guy or something who got a disease and now he’s an announcer on ESPN who sits next to Kirk Herbstreit on that football show.”
“OMG! I love that guy! I didn’t know he was sick!”
Donate your time at a homeless shelter, volunteer to help some disadvantaged kids, write a check payable to your local church…
Don’t try to get famous on social media by donating to a cause you know nothing about.
If you have to use the term “hack,” make sure you’re either using the denotation or you’re talking about something revolutionary. Reusing a red plastic cup (from which you drank PBR last night) as a pencil holder is not a “LIFEHACK OMG BILLY I’M A FRIGGIN GENIUS.”
Life hack #352: Put cucumber slices in water!
Sorry, Brenda. That little submission to Good Housekeeping just doesn’t cut it. You’re not even selling a stretch version such as: Hate drinking plain water? Trick your palate by consuming two calories (!!) of cucumber-enhanced water. You get the benefits of increased water consumption because you’re drinking something that tastes good without all those extra pesky calories! Ugh, Brenda. Your enthusiasm hurts my soul.
Hack Microsoft Word to give you 1.25″ margins!
You’re not “hacking.” You’re changing settings in Word. And your professor/boss/client CAN tell, you idiot. He/she can also tell that you changed the font size to 10.5. Also? You’re fired.
Acceptable uses of the term “hack”:
You just have to hack the firewall to access the COM ports and disengage the blarg blarg nerd words, and then you can bleep blorp the dongle!
Hack three inches off your ratty hair so we don’t have to look at those split ends!
[Controversial journalist or bad actor like Nicolas Cage] is such a hack. He can’t hack it with [someone awesome like–looks up at Netflix screen–Jason Bateman! …Wait! Is Ben Affleck in this too? And Kristen Wiig! Wow. I need to watch this movie again, even though Mila Kunis is annoying].
In closing, Jason Bateman, Will Smith, and Charlize Theron are my favorite actors, so the movie Hancock is awesome–and don’t misuse the word “hack,” or I’ll throatpunch you.
If you have to pause to think before using a roundabout or a revolving door, you might want to consider sparing the rest of us by simply taking another way. Also, if you feel the need to be that guy who goes too quickly or too slowly through either of the above, please either step aside or drive off the nearest cliff.
Oh! And don’t be the person who runs up the escalator and then is all sweaty and panting on the back of my neck. You clearly don’t understand the 4 steps of separation rule.*
Don’t be the idiot who tries to do some sort of social experiment by standing too close to other people in elevators.** You don’t have your own prank show on TV. You’re not funny, TRAVIS. No one even likes you.
Also, I’m currently super-hating on the lady in the elevator who expects me to push the button for her floor (*raises eyebrows* “9, please.”). She always gives me a weird look when I say, “Ha! Yeah right,” and back away from the buttons. Nothing against elevator operators, but um… yeah, I def don’t look like an elevator operator.
In closing, either participate in society and live by its norms or just get out.
This means you, Travis. And take elevator lady with you.
*Does not apply in airports
**The person who does this invariably smells awful. (Yes, you, Travis.)
If you have to use foreign words (or “borrowed” words into your own language), please don’t mispronounce them. You think you sound smooth and cultured, but you sound like an idiot (or a wannabe douche, and that’s probably worse).
Example: “I’m a huge wine afishonaydo.”
Really? A fish tornado? Do yourself a favor and just say “fan.” Also, drinking wine from a box and/or only drinking Riesling with ice cubes in it doesn’t make you an expert, a connoisseur, or even someone who can has a wine preference. (If I hear you talking about the “nose” of a particular “varietal” of Smirnoff Ice–you moron–I will have to smack you around just a little bit.)
And while I’m on the topic of stupid fans and fans of stupid… Loving Ryan Gosling movies OMG lmao wtf ❤ rotfl totally does not mean you're a fan of the arts. It means you like a mediocre actor with an unwarrantedly huge following of teen girls.
Watch it with designer names, too, slick. Don't try to pronounce Givenchy. Anything you might guess is incorrect. Also, do us all a favor and please stop saying Ralph Lor-EN. It’s LORE-in, like a girl’s first name. (Watch Friends… Rachel knows.)
If you have to make a racist comment because you’re racist, please preface your racist statement with “I’m racist, so…” The whole “I’m not racist, but” thing has been used so much, I just assume people mean it in front of EVERY SINGLE THING they say.
I’m not racist, but… “Is it Wednesday?”
I’m not racist, but… “Can I borrow your scissors?”
I’m not racist, but… “Boy, this fried chicken is good!”
I’m not racist, but… “The Faraday constant is equal to approximately 96,500 coulombs.”
Seriously. Thought it was okay to laugh? Racist. …And I can say that because I’m not racist.