If you have to give a gift at work because it’s the fucking holidays and you’re one of those stupid-ass bitches who buys gifts for everyone in the whole office, don’t expect for one fleeting second that you’ll get one back from me. I DON’T EVEN LIKE YOU, SHARON. DON’T BUY ME A STUPID PRESENT. Also, Barbara–fuck you. Fuck you and your fucking jelly beans. Jelly beans are not seasonally appropriate!
…And Jessica, I do not appreciate that you got me a thoughtful present that I actually like. I now have to expend the tiny amount of time and sanity and money I have left on buying you something nice and that clearly demonstrates that I give approximately one-half of an actual fuck about you. Stop being awesome, Jessica. It’s too much for me to handle during this ridiculous season.
Can we all just not? I mean, Tina needs to bring in her amazing cookies, and Brian can buy us all drinks after work on Tuesday, but that’s it. Let’s just say ‘Merry Christmas’ or ‘happy holidays’ or ‘pleasant winter’ or ‘seems like it’s getting a bit cold outside, huh Jeff?’ or whatever the hell we’re allowed to say these days. No presents.
If you have to be filled with the holiday spirit, would you please keep it inside until you just explode into a cloud of glitter that sings the Bing Crosby versions of everyone’s favorite carols?
I won’t say I hate Christmas. I really don’t. I just hate virtually every single thing that goes along with it. I saw a woman with a Santa hat in a restaurant the other day, and even though it had “Bah Humbug” embroidered on it, I wanted to punch her in the face. I hate cold weather and Christmas cookies and chocolate and snow and ice and carols played obnoxiously loudly in the mall. I hate long lines at grocery stores and those ridiculous reindeer antlers people put on their cars and peppermint everything and feeling obligated to get gifts for coworkers who never give anything back. I hate that I can’t say “merry Christmas” (or even “happy holidays” anymore) without sounding racist or religionist or pissing off some stupid atheists. I hate the obligatory workplace potluck where women are expected to bring enormous crock pots full of meaty goodness, but then they’re judged if they eat anything more than two small servings of salad and one tiny piece of ham. I hate that church services in December have to have a watered-down, peppermint-scented, jazz flute-filled message in order to appeal to the masses. I hate that Diet Coke cans have snowflakes on them for six straight weeks. I hate ugly Christmas sweaters and the people who wear them. I hate that I can only buy decent summer sausage (irony?) in December. I hate the huge holiday group texts that people send in place of actual sentiment. I hate that people only remember to be nice to other people when they think that Santa is watching in the last 1/12th of the year. I hate that people will eat like it’s a sport all through December and then magically rediscover physical fitness on January 1st and I’ll have to tolerate weight loss challenges and thinspiration quotes and stupid interactions (omg Jessica we totes have to go to crossfit on Monday fo realz lol no rly).
*sigh* I like some stuff, I guess…
What do I like? Glitter. Sparkles. Christmas trees. I like watching National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation until I can’t stand it anymore. I like the previously-mentioned (and stupidly-named) summer sausage. I like fires in fireplaces and warm blankets and whipped cream all over everything. I like candles and fuzzy socks and all of the sales that start on December 26th. I like being the only customer shopping on New Year’s Day because all of you idiots are hung over at home.
Most of all, however, I like that December is only one month long. So merry Christmas or happy holidays or have a pleasant winter or whatever, I guess.