Tag Archives: beer

I Won’t Bake Chocolate Chip Cookies

If you have to be good at something, be a big fish in a small pond. Instead of trying to create a large impact, make a unique impact.

What’s the best kind of beer?

Basic garbage humans will sing the praises of Bud Light, 30-somethings get nostalgic when they see a Corona, poor and/or ugly people claim to like Coors Light, Europhiles are into Guinness, and every man on the brink of a midlife crisis is in love with one craft beer or another. Oh, and my mother drinks O’Doul’s because she says she enjoys the taste.

The point here is that people have different preferences, whether they’re weird (Corona), gross (Bud Light), or wrong (O’Doul’s). The same holds true for chocolate chip cookies. People prefer different types of chocolate chip cookies:  weird (with pecans), gross (with dark chocolate chips), or wrong (crunchy cookies).

Trying to make a universally loved chocolate chip cookie is an exercise in futility. The mere fact that people have all of these silly preferences means that you can’t make everyone happy all the time.

You want a cookie? I’ll bake you a batch of soft, melt-in-your-mouth, sea salt caramel cookies. I’ll create some blueberry white chocolate oatmeal cookies. I’ll make some butterscotch cookies you’ll never forget.

I’m not saying that unique = awesome, but I will say that giving people something unexpected rather than just giving them your version of the “best” of something ordinary may just pay big dividends in the long run.

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Badly Breaking Plans

If you have to cancel plans with me, just be honest. And I mean, like, if you wake up on Monday morning and decide you don’t want to do happy hour with me on Thursday night, nut up and tell me that ON MONDAY. “Hey… I decided I don’t feel like getting martinis Thursday. I just don’t want to.” I’m not mad. Hell, I find your honesty refreshing.

When I will get mad, though, is when you take all damn day on Thursday to come up with something that you seem to think is a reasonable excuse for not following through on plans (my cat is sick, I stubbed my toe, I have a headache)–and then cancel at the last minute.

If you can’t bring yourself to be honest and you really wanna pull this shit with me, at least be creative…

  • “I just got an email from a Nigerian prince, and get this… Dude wants to come to the US, and he’s going to send me 5 million bucks for helping him, and the only thing I have to do is wire him like $50k so he can get the process started! I’ve got to head to the bank…”
  • “My in-laws are coming to town tonight, so I am going to literally jump off of a bridge here in a sec. You’ll pick up my car later, right? You can have it. I left the keys on the front seat. Sorry I won’t be able to make it for dinner.”
  • “I accidentally slept with my boyfriend’s twin brother last night and now they’re both here and it’s kind of a situation because I legit can’t tell which one is which, soooo… that’s a no on the beers.”

Alpha Beta Apathy

If you have to yammer on and on about your college experience, maybe try to go light on the bro-ness and your keg stands and brotherhood and reciting the Greek alphabet and your brothers and your stupid-ass nicknames for each other… 

Newsflash:  You are the only one who gives a shit about your fucking Greek letters.

Seriously? You’re a Beta? A Sigma Nu? The fuck is that supposed to mean? You can get the ladies? Last time I checked (right now, actually), you were a 300 lb divorcĂ©e with a drinking problem.

So brag on, Brantley Rutherford Doucheville and Hamilton Blarfenburger III… We all stopped listening before you opened your mouth.