If you have to give a gift at work because it’s the fucking holidays and you’re one of those stupid-ass bitches who buys gifts for everyone in the whole office, don’t expect for one fleeting second that you’ll get one back from me. I DON’T EVEN LIKE YOU, SHARON. DON’T BUY ME A STUPID PRESENT. Also, Barbara–fuck you. Fuck you and your fucking jelly beans. Jelly beans are not seasonally appropriate!
…And Jessica, I do not appreciate that you got me a thoughtful present that I actually like. I now have to expend the tiny amount of time and sanity and money I have left on buying you something nice and that clearly demonstrates that I give approximately one-half of an actual fuck about you. Stop being awesome, Jessica. It’s too much for me to handle during this ridiculous season.
Can we all just not? I mean, Tina needs to bring in her amazing cookies, and Brian can buy us all drinks after work on Tuesday, but that’s it. Let’s just say ‘Merry Christmas’ or ‘happy holidays’ or ‘pleasant winter’ or ‘seems like it’s getting a bit cold outside, huh Jeff?’ or whatever the hell we’re allowed to say these days. No presents.