Completely Justified -isms

If you have to hate someone, I’ve always said that you should do it for a legitimate (but completely arbitrary) reason. The following examples are groups of people who do not get enough seething rage, discrimination, and hatred from society, though they probably deserve it:

  • Stilettoism:  hatred for women who lack the necessary ankle strength and/or balancing ability, but insist on wearing high heels anyway.
  • Nicknameism:  discriminating against those people who make their nicknames hard to spell. (Like, I get that your parents named you Mikaylah–and I hate them for that, but I hate you because you nicknamed yourself “Mikkiyee.”)
  • Stretchism:  disgust for people who stretch any time and every time they’re standing still. (Get your leg off the back of the couch, Anna, and stop bending over.)
  • Unintentional BJ-ism:  hating on people who, during business meetings, drink water from bottles that are, like, big sippy cups with the fat straws that you have to compress to suck. (No one can concentrate on strategic planning while Tim is performing oral on his water bottle. Especially when he hasn’t broken eye contact with Ron for twenty seconds.)
  • Garbagehumanism:  discriminating against people who listen to country music.
  • Doggy bag at the table eater-ism:  anger toward people who, before the meal, ask for half their dinner to be boxed as leftovers, and then open the box and start picking at it while the rest of us eat from our plates like normal people, Janet.
  • Non sequiturism*:  hating those people who have to jump into EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION with some off-the-wall, ridiculous bullshit. (“Did you know that the Brazil nut is not, in fact, a nut?” Shut the fuck up, Chad!)

*Fun fact:  my phone tried to autocorrect that to “non sequin urinalysis,” which obviously makes more sense. (I blame Chad.)

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