If you have to ask the question of whether or not you and I can be friends, I’ve composed a few basic questions you can ask yourself (and score) before bothering me with your inane request for friendship.
- Do you have an iPhone? If no, don’t bother me. I have neither the patience nor the time for you and your Android bullshit.
- Friends or Seinfeld? The correct answer is yes.
- Do you drink wine? Okay, you don’t have to know the difference between a Cabernet Sauvignon and a Pinot Noir, but you do have to be open to drinking it. Or else.
- Where would you rather hang out–the beach or a driving range? Either or both are perfectly acceptable, actually.
- Do you use your turn signal in a roundabout? If you do, go hang out with the Android people who were eliminated by question #1.
These are just the basics–the fundamental building blocks upon which any good friendship is based.