Winning the +1 Game

If you have to be the +1 at a work event for your partner, follow the damn rules. They are enumerated below for your convenience.

  1. Be charming. (Google that and use the second definition:  polite, friendly, and likable.) Convincingly feign interest in the boring shit you’ll be listening to all day. Alcohol helps with this.
  2. Don’t drink too much as you’re trying to accomplish list item #1.
  3. Just as important as #1:  step down and let the person you’re accompanying be the one who shines. Be the stunning arm candy who contributes only a tiny amount to conversation. Defer to your mate. This doesn’t make you look weak; it makes you look like an excellent complement, and it makes your partner as well as your bond with him/her appear strong (though we all know you’re the one who wears the pants).
  4. Everyone understands checking your phone occasionally, but don’t be that wad who just sits there and plays Candy Crush and/or whatever the fuck it is that you Facebook people do all day on your phones.
  5. Overdress. Seriously. You’re there to make your significant other look good. You should look appropriate together, but it should be your goal to make sure that office gossips Kayla and Ann have something to talk about at the office on Monday. (And they will, because you’re damn sexy.)
  6. When your significant other tells you at the last minute that you don’t have to go and that he’ll just go by himself, don’t worry. He probably didn’t just find out that his girlfriend will be there.
  7. Don’t be offended when your mate doesn’t introduce you to anyone. He’s probably embarrassed by you and/or he doesn’t want you to meet his girlfriend (see #6).
  8. When someone at the event does something abhorrent like sitting on the table right next to you, with their ass only inches away from your arm and clearly in your personal space, do nothing. Pretend that it’s not the most disgusting thing that’s happened to you all day. Smile and nod.
  9. Remember that any sense of humor you might have won’t be appreciated here. Making jokes will just make everyone uncomfortable. You’ll find it best to continue to smile and nod, just like when that ass was on your arm.
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