What Men Want

If you have to try to impress men, please realize that whatever you’re thinking impresses them probably, well, ain’t it. If you think that flawlessly applying eyeliner is going to make a guy magically look past your grating personality, your mind-numbing stupidity, and your almost unbelievable level of insecurity, guess again.

Guys don’t give a fuck if you spent $3 or $300 on a tube of lipstick. They don’t care if Stefon or Sergio cut your hair (though a guy with an ounce of class won’t be a fan of Jimmy at Super Cuts hacking at your mane). They’re ambivalent about brands. I promise that unless you’re into the most metro (and actually totes gay on Tuesday and Thursday nights) dude, he doesn’t care if you shop at Gap or Saks, just as long as you look good.

That being said, I’m not intimating that men are easy to please.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA… That’s a lie. Men are very easy to please. Just follow these simple rules:

  1. Don’t be a bitch.
  2. Wear just enough makeup that it enhances the way you look. If you’re wearing so much that you look like a different person entirely, remember that your guy will probably see you without makeup at some point. It’ll freak him out if his precious little Amanda is actually a Bertha, ifyouknowwhatImean.
  3. Be active. Don’t just sit on the couch all day and only get up to get the tub of chocolate ice cream. That’s disgusting. And by “that,” I mean both you and your damn ice cream.
  4. Don’t be a bitch.
  5. Stop whining, stop nagging, and stop being an unpredictable Play-Doh emotion factory.
  6. Smile. Make jokes. Don’t be so serious all the time.
  7. Check your sex drive. Okay, listen up. This is a big one and a solid truth. I can guarantee you 100% that your relationship will not work if you and your dude don’t have similar appetites for sex. That’s just biological fact. Think long and hard about how it’ll work if one of you is ready to go 24/7 and the other one is pretty meh about getting down and dirty. This is a fundamental, solid incompatibility for a lot of people. You can ignore it for a while, but it’ll come out and raise its ugly head sooner or later. And then you’re screwed (or not, ever).
  8. Don’t hate sports. I promise that you can suck it up and at least pretend for a couple of hours that you care whether or not his team wins. (Hint:  make excited sounds at the same time as the people wearing his team colors.)
  9. Know that men are men. They’re going to drink beer. They’re going to leave dirty socks on the floor. They’re going to smell bad sometimes. If you can’t handle that, consider dating girls instead.
  10. Don’t be a bitch.
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