You Are (probably not) Beautiful

If you have to tell someone (in an obligatory fashion or as a compliment) that they’re an adjective, don’t make it one that’s some sort of superlative.

Saying that everyone is beautiful is the participation trophy of the spoken word. You’re robbing the term of its definition, rendering it meaningless.

Sandy isn’t beautiful, Jonah isn’t the best, Theresa isn’t incredible, and Tim is, in no way, amazeballs.

It might sound insincere and a bit robotic to say that Jeff is a carbon-based life form with exemplary skill in alphabetizing soup cans in his kitchen pantry. Awkward? Sure, but it’s a hell of a lot more accurate than saying that Jeff is phenomenally brilliant. (Jeff fucking drooled on the couch pillow last night after passing out there, having consumed a bit too much Bud Light.) He ain’t special or gifted, but he can sure as hell put the cream of mushroom soup to the left of the tomato.

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