Pet Pet Peeves

If you have to own animals as pets, don’t get all pissy because I don’t want to touch your dog. I really don’t care how much you think your wee canine is an actual member of your family… Your husband didn’t lick me and put his face in my lap when I sat down, so maybe you can keep Barfy the schnauzer at bay as well.

And cats? Ugh. I have been allergic to cats forever, so when my eyes begin to sting from cat stench when I go to your house, rest assured that I won’t be there long–and I probably won’t be back. (And yes, you should offer me a lint roller so I can get all of the cat hair off of me before I leave your home.)

Also, don’t get mad when my eyes glaze over whilst you’re recounting a story about your dog named Jeff. (We all know you named it “Jeff” so it would sound like you were interacting with a person. ‘I’m going to have dinner with Jeff tonight!’ Loser.) It’s a dog. It’s an animal that you allow to sleep in your bed(!!!). It’s gross and unsanitary.

I’m not saying that you have to leave your pets outside; I’m just saying that expecting me to be as okay with animal slobber and filth as you are is kind of an unrealistic expectation. Sorry not sorry.

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