Kitty Coddlers and Puppy Pamperers

If you have to own a pet, please remember that it is not a human. You shouldn’t take a day off work because Mr. Whiskers is feeling a little blue. You should never feel that it’s appropriate to ask if you can bring your dog to the company picnic. When people ask about your family, please recognize that, even though you adopted your orange tabby-poodle mix (taboodle? is that a thing?), it is not an actual relative.

There aren’t “cat people” and “dog people.” There are two distinct types of pet owners: a) people who like hair/fur/dander/stench all over everything, b) and people who own fish.

I see the sad people trudging down the icy sidewalks in the mornings, pooper scoopers in hand, while large dogs try to find a place to do their business. I’ve walked into homes and felt stinging pain in my eyes and nose as I realize they have a cat (or seven?) even before the fanged hairball rubs against my leg in an affront to my black pants.

I suppose I have a bit of trouble finding the joy in all of that. Does your house feel lonely? Get Amazon Echo. Like warm and fuzzy things? Buy an electric blanket… That way, when your blanket starts acting funny, you don’t have to take it to the vet; you can just throw it away and buy a new one instead of having a funeral for Fluffy!

Also, those of you who think you’re being slick by naming your cat Kevin so people will think you’re talking about a person… Stop. Just stop.

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