Cuckoo for Cocoa

If you have to get all stupid when chocolate candy (cake, brownies, cookies, etc.) come around, please keep your disgustingly overenthusiastic comments and groans(!!!) to yourself.

There is nothing grosser than people (okay, women) who extol the virtues of chocolate. You know the ones. They start salivating when they see the Hershey’s Kisses. They can’t not walk into the Godiva store in the mall. They have a seemingly endless supply of fun-sized candy bars in their purses. Their eyes glaze over when someone brings a double chocolate fudge cake to the office for Fran’s birthday party.

Picture Bertha digging into a Russell Stover sampler box with her pudgy fingers while saying, “Mmm… *glarf* *glarf* [groan] Thiff chawcolit cairmel is better than sex!” Her eyes roll back in her skull and she starts panting heavily.

Guess what, Bertha…
1) Chocolate is not better than sex.
1a) You’re obviously doing sex wrong, or it’s been so long for you that you simply can’t remember.
1b) No one wants to hear you say the word “sex.” Ever.
2) You might need to break the sugar habit.
3) Consider losing a few. (Sorry.)

Perhaps worse than Bertha? Anorexic Kaylee. This beeatch acts like one M&M will throw off the rotation of the earth and propel her directly into Bertha-dom. She HAS to have it, but not until after she spends six. hours. talking about how incredible it was that one time in college when she binge-ate almost half a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. To be sure, she’ll eat the M&M, but then she’ll spend the next three and a half weeks in the gym–so then you’ll have to hear about that through the cubicle wall, about how it was “totes worth it,” and about how she’s thinking about snorting Nestle’s Quik powder so she can really get a chocolate fix omg lol jk no rly.

Chocolate is okay, I guess, but it ain’t that great, ladies. Tone it down.

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