Flatly Failing at Female Friendship

If you have to question why we’re not friends, count your X chromosomes. Are there two? …There ya go. That’s why.

I have, like, five female friends. I tried to figure out just why that’s the case. Here are my theories:

1) I’m terrible with insincere compliments. I don’t want to tell Mandy that I like her sweater. (I hate it, in fact. It’s ugly. She’s ugly. And the sweater’s not helping.) If Barb got a bad haircut, I’m not going to tell her she looks “great omg I love the way it flips like a duck’s butt! It’s so versatile!” Barb should keep her stupid haircut under a hat until it grows out. Oh yeah, and don’t tell me you loooooove what I’m wearing. That’s ridiculous. You could never wear this.

2) I’m not all gossipy. Sure, I’m privy to more information than I should know, but I’m going to disseminate (or not disseminate) that information strategically. And I’m not telling you.

3) I can’t drama. I hate drama. I hate hearing about your drama. I can’t bring myself to care about why or how Tiffany is trying to interpret what her boyfriend said. I get exhausted when Sandy starts yammering about how she’s not sure how she should handle Sue’s whatever-the-hell-problem she’s having this week.

4) I don’t enjoy talking about childbirth or waxing or pedicures or going to the spa or getting my hair did or “women’s problems.” Keep it to yourselves, ladies. Yuck.

5) I don’t like emotionally exposing myself. There’s a 92% chance that another woman will exploit and/or tell someone else about another woman’s emotional vulnerability. That’s fact. I have a pie chart to prove it.

6) Have you ever tried to arrange a lunch with a woman (let alone a group of women–yikes)? “Where do you want to go?” “I’ll only eat at places that have GMO-free corn!” “My ex and I used to go there, so I’m out if that’s where you’re going.” “I know we were supposed to meet 20 minutes ago, but I’m doing my hair, so maybe we could meet in 2 hours or so?” “I don’t have a babysitter and I can’t leave the kids home alone with my husband!” “The cocktails are too expensive here! I’m leaving!” Ugh.

It’s just too much work with zero payoff.

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