Pyramid Scheming

If you have to invite friends to a pyramid scheme party, include something at the bottom of the invitation that says, “I understand that extending this invitation means that we are probably no longer friends.” (And if you group text the invite, note that everyone on that list hates you and will be texting each other about how tactless and awful you are.)

Creative Chef, Pampered Candles, Smelly, those stupid scrapbooking things, spa crap deals, and don’t forget the “adult toy” parties… Inviting your friends to your house to buy overpriced crap so you can get a Hostess Gift (omg lol wow yay!) is a quick way to lose said friends. The pressure to buy a $27 melon baller, a $43 pair of crosscut scissors, a $50 soy candle that smells like cinnamon baby wipes (wtf?), and $25 for a cherry-flavored “personal lubricant” called Slerm or something is ridiculous.

If your friends actually DO show up:

1) They thought you were just inviting them over to hang out, so lock the door behind them and hide their coats in the furthest room from the door.

2) You had better have copious amounts of good wine and artisan cheese at the ready. (For friends who are a bit less snobby than me, you can probably get away with weak margaritas and store-bought chips and salsa.)

3) You need to make it seem like you had no idea the stuff being hocked was so expensive. (They’ll all know you’re faking it, but they’ll appreciate the effort.)

4) Finally, if your friends are still talking to you after the party, know that you are on the hook for buying them some excellent Christmas and/or birthday presents–AND UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES ARE THOSE PRESENTS TO BE FROM THE ADULT SPA CANDLE CHEF COMPANY.

Thank you, and please understand that when I don’t reply to your stupid party invitation, I’m really just trying to preserve the precarious nature of our friendship.

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