Obligatory NYE Post

If you have to make a New Year’s Eve post, at least make it memorable. This one isn’t, but whatever. This isn’t about you. I mean, it kind of is… especially if your name is Brenda.

I hate new year’s resolutions. No one ever keeps them. Everyone starts eating carbs again before January 5th, they all stop working out by January 15th, and they’ve all canceled their gym memberships by March. They drop those resolutions faster than their accountability partner Brenda drops her fork when they walk in on her eating the pumpkin pie left over from Thanksgiving in the staff kitchen. Everyone is smoking, drinking, and binge eating like it’s going out of style before MLK Day. They stopped writing in their diaries on January 3rd, they inadvertently said the f-word because they forgot they had sworn off swearing, and they just. couldn’t. resist. the Diet Coke at lunch.

People are weak, and they don’t realize how little willpower they have.

1) If Brenda was a smart woman, she’d resolve to not eat blueberry pie in 2015 (although we all know it’s because she considers it a “health food”).

2) Tim and Tom at work should vow to not drink hard liquor during lunch breaks at work (because wine is fine and beer is just like soda with a kick anyway, right?).

3) Jessica should simply commit to only smoking cigarettes while she’s drinking (which will cause a marked uptick in her alcohol intake, and she’ll probably start going to lunch with Tim and Tom, but at least she’s making friends, right?).

4) Brad would swear to go to the gym every time Luke does (btw, Luke weighs 478 lbs. and is on bedrest for the foreseeable future).

Let’s be reasonable.

Me? Sure, I give. I’ll lay the groundwork for a fantastic year. Let’s see… In 2015:

a) I’ll get a doctor who’s not a complete jackass. (This one will be a huge project. I’ve gone through two so far.)

b) I’ll get a mentor at work. (Eek.)

c) I’ll lose 25 lbs. (This is the easiest one. I’m not Brenda.)

d) I’ll start uploading baking videos to YouTube. (And I’ll become famous, but whatever.)

e) I’ll make one female friend. (We all have to have a semi-impossible stretch goal, right?)

Less than three hours until 2015.


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