Recreational Ridicule

If you have to make fun of someone’s hobby, make sure it’s not awesome according to everyone else. Did that make sense? No? Here’s a hypothetical. Let’s say that I have an awesome hobby, like competitive eating or something. Let’s also say that there are a couple of insufferably awful women (of COURSE they’re women) at work who go out of their way to tell me how stupid, evil, and awful they think competitive eating is.

Being mean to me for being good at competitive eating is much like ridiculing a football player for being good at playing football. I’m good at it, I have a blast doing it, I get free food, my friends and family have a great time cheering me on, and I have awesome stories to tell. Unlike Mr. Football Player, however, I don’t have to endure hours of practice a day, deal with a jerk coach, go to a gym, or wear an athletic supporter.

Awesome stats:

1) The Vending Machine Challenge: This one was big on Wall Street a few years ago. The challenge? Eat one of every item in the vending machine: a bag of M&Ms, a 3 oz. bag of Cheez-Its, a huge iced cinnamon roll, Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, mini Oreos, a Butterfinger bar, a bag of peanuts, etc., etc., etc… 25 items in total, in the course of a business day. (Sounds easy, right?) Well, 7845 calories later, I had crushed the challenge. (Ask me about what happened afterward if you’re curious and you have a strong stomach.)

2) A two-pound burger: The challenge was to see how quickly one could eat the burger and the huge bun. I attempted it first just to see if I could get it down. No problem. I ate it (while conversing with friends) in 18 minutes. Some coworkers challenged me to eat it in 12 minutes or less. I accepted, and in front of an audience of a dozen people, I finished the two-pound burger in 6 minutes and 33 seconds (absolutely destroying all previous records, thankyouverymuch).

3) A one-pound burger. Twice. The challenge was to eat a 16 oz. burger (after cooking–it’s 22 oz. before!) with a half-pound bun. Easy. …Well, I ate two. Boom. I’m the only woman who has ever done that at the restaurant that offers the challenge.

So… if you have to make fun of me, make fun of:

a) my huge feet (size 11)

b) the fact that I can’t reliably pronounce the word “February”

c) my inability to turn left on a catwalk when runway modeling

d) the fact that I don’t know how to apply eyeliner

e) how ridiculously excited I get about new socks

f) my undying love of SpongeBob SquarePants

I mean, really…

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