You’re Totally Not Hired

If you have to tell someone you’re not going to hire them, at least try to be creative–instead of offering a ridiculous, boilerplate reason.

“We’re looking for someone who’s had direct, client-facing [industry] [job type] experience” doesn’t work for me.

If I had successful direct, client-facing [industry] [job type] experience, I wouldn’t have applied… You’d be recruiting me instead! Ugh.

If you want a competent, knowledgeable, engaging person who is beyond enthusiastic about 1) working for your company and 2) being ridiculously successful… Well, here I am.

*sigh*

Not going to hire an applicant? Either don’t schedule an interview after reviewing the person’s résumé, or try one of these fabulous reasons for not hiring someone:

We’ve decided to go with someone who spearfishes rare octopodes off the coast of Madagascar. Sorry we forgot to include that information in the job description.”

We actually need applicants to be able to scribe short novellas in Swahili, but I don’t see that on your résumé. I’m sorry.”

You didn’t earn the Underwater Basketweaving merit badge in Boy Scouts? You’re ineligible to even fill out the application!”

Before we begin, I noted that you neglected to send a basket of mini-muffins when I scheduled this interview with you. Unless muffins appear on my desk in the next 30 seconds, this conversation is over.”

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