If you have to drink alcoholic beverages, ladies, please be aware of your drunk personality. Drunken women can be separated into three categories: introspective disasters, paranoid idiots, and woo girls.
Woo girls are the worst.
An Introspective Disaster will begin weeping inconsolably after her second drink. Occasionally, she won’t know why she’s crying, but it’s usually about some guy. The crying is sometimes tolerable, but the incessant yapping about her life and how tragic it all is will make you rethink ever drinking with this chick again. Get someone to take her home so she can curl up in a Snuggie and drink some hot cocoa while watching Jerry Maguire.
A Paranoid Idiot, after just a couple of drinks, will get worked up instead of relaxing. She’ll tell you that every girl in the bar looks better than she does. When a guy looks at her, she’ll check her purse to make sure she has her mace. She KNOWS FOR A FACT that the bartender was judging her because she got the house vodka in her drink. Everything’s a conspiracy… And that song that guy just played on the jukebox? IT’S A TRAP.
Woo Girls. There’s one in every group of girls who go out. (Don’t know who it is in your group? That’s because you blacked out while dancing on the bar last weekend–and why did your throat hurt so badly the next day? You woo’d. You’re that girl.) Woo Girls will ALWAYS take a shot. They’ll accept the martini from the creepy guy at the end of the bar. They’re always up for anything involving alcohol. They don’t eat food while they drink and they pre-game harder than you know how to party. And they woo (woo hoo!!!!!). They woo for people they see, songs that are played, drinks… They woo at the bar, on the dance floor, in the bathroom… They’re intolerable. They’re ridiculous. And they won’t remember any of it tomorrow.