Sold in Spite of You

If you have to talk about something your business offers, don’t discuss it as if it’s something you own or really have anything to do with besides hocking it in a store, in a restaurant, or on television. I literally just watched a meteorologist say on tv, “I’ve got temps in the 60s coming to you next week.” Sorry, lady who looks very uncomfortable in her dress and is wearing way too much makeup, YOU don’t make the weather, you don’t BRING it to us, and (fun fact that’s beside the point, but it bears mentioning…) YOU’RE JUST GUESSING WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN.

It’s like when you go to a restaurant and the waiter says, “I’ve got two soups today: a cream of mushroom and also a roasted chrysanthemum with puréed pine bark and broiled frog kidney.” Sorry, Edward, but unless you’re ALSO the chef or are otherwise the originator of the dishes, you do not “have” them if you did not MAKE them. The restaurant has them. Chef Ronaldo in the kitchen “has” them.

Also, when the clueless little douche in the electronics store says, “I have a special promotion with [insert wireless carrier name here] for unlimited texting,” I just want to throatpunch him. Think he’ll be able to give the next customer the hard sell when his windpipe has fused with his spine?

Note that I have no problem sharing in the ownership, as Billy does have a stake (whether it be commission or simply being employed at the store) in the transaction. He can say “we,” “us,” and “our.” Examples:

a) We offer a phone by Samsung.
b) Our service plan covers battery replacement.
…and even…
c) I think you’ll enjoy our nitrogen-injected dielectric cables. (Billy is allowed to have an opinion, ridiculous as it might be.)

If you’re selling fake Rolexes out of your trench coat while standing in front of the Statue of Liberty, feel free to tell me that you’ve got a deal on a faux Gucci. I’ll accept that it’s YOUR deal and not that of your employer (is that like a “watch pimp” or something?).


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