Confabulating in the Can

If you have to take your phone into a public restroom, could you just not answer it while you’re in there? And don’t MAKE phone calls, either. You can go into a stall and TEXT ALL DAY if you want to, but don’t have a verbal conversation with your cousin Julia about what appetizer she’s bringing to the poker game Friday night.

Should you be the idiot that tries to test me on this, rest assured that I will try to figure out what types of sounds I can force my body to make on command. Also, I will flush as many toilets as possible for the duration of your phone call.

If you get upset and leave the bathroom without washing your hands, I will knock you down by any means I deem reasonable and cover you with the contents of a bottle of hand sanitizer.

I’m not a fan of speaking in public restrooms anyway, as I don’t want to overhear your conversation with your BFF (omg ❤ ❤ forevs!) about any of your bodily functions. How is it possible that you can't keep it to yourself until you get outside?!

In closing, don't be offended, ladies, when I don't say hello to you in the bathroom. If I make eye contact, I'll give you the obligatory head nod, but let's save the gabbing for outside the indoor latrine.

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