Yumlicious Ranch!!

If you have to take pictures of your food, don’t tell people you’re a food blogger. You’re not. You’re a douche with a blog, just like everyone else. No one is paying you to write about the pan-fried scallops at Red Lobster. Here are some other things to keep in mind:

1) Chances are that your mom and your Aunt Gertie are the only ones who have ever read any of your brilliant commentary.

2) Not one single person has ever said, “Oh! What a masterful use of Instagram! Bronze freckle twist was the ideal filter to capture the essence of the eggplant parmigiana! I must get to Olive Garden immediately and mention this incredible review!”

3) If you tell the waitstaff you’re a food blogger, keep in mind that they’ve heard that from more than their fair share of randoms–and you may end up with some coughy in your coffee.

4) When [if] you do actually get to the writing (or, heaven forbid, the YouTubing) of your review, know this: reviews are, by nature, subjective, but partial objectivity will help your case immensely. The second you call the salsa ranch (ugh) yummy (yum-o, etc.), I will discount everything you have to say about the dish. Fact: ranch dressing is absolutely revolting.

5) Yelp is not a blog. Let me be very clear: if you post your restaurant reviews to Yelp (Urbanspoon, etc.), you ARE NOT a food blogger. You have submitted a restaurant review. Also, if your “review” says something like “omg yumlicious cheese lol brb wtf blah blah ranch,” you are one of the people who are clogging the series of tubes we call the web with ridiculous drivel.

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2 thoughts on “Yumlicious Ranch!!”

    1. So glad I’m not the only one! 🙂 I mean, if someone snaps a quick pic of their paella so they can try to recreate the dish at home, well, more power to ’em, but this “I have to get the lighting just right and can you bring me a glass of wine and put it by my plate so it looks like I ordered it and no I’m not gonna pay for it because yadda yadda yadda I’m a food blogger” crap just has to stop–like yesterday!

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